Lighterlife. Deters Drastic Dieting Diaries

Well, Venus has a lovely room.

The sun was shining and she had beautiful flowers on her mantlepiece and a lovely big squishy settee. And i do mean BIG - all the better for all of those big bums to sit on.

We watched a DVD, yawn. It was the usual infomercial type of stuff... except set out just like fern and phillip on the 'this morning' settee... lots of people singing the praises of the program, having lost 10 stones and then there was the interview with the founder explaining why she formed the company (words akin to "I want to work with children and end world poverty") and then there were little snippets, sort of teasers, from all diferent people about how its a psychological thing and doing the groups counselling gets you thinking....."Well, der-er!!!!"

As i said in my previous posts, I don't think the counselling will particularly be of a high standard, i mean...well, i admit it, i'm a therapy snob. I think this counselling will be like the Daily Mail, and i've already metaphorically read the daily mail in my twenties and actually, its the Guardian that meets my intellectual needs, these days.....

Well, i'm sure that i will get insight..no, I'm positive that i will get a lot of insight. I've been in therapy groups before, and I know how to 'do' therapy. I can do my own therapy, and i can tolerate people going through very basic stuff and finding it earth shattering. (wry laugh) I think i'll have to learn to tolerate it. It will do me good, to learn to tolerate others - thats half my problem anyway.

So, back to Venus.
We chatted.
Venus has never been obese.
Venus has done the lighterlife for 10 days (as a requirement of the lighterlife trainng).
Venus is a size 10.

I filled in a form, and i have a form to take to my GP. If the GP say's "Yeah" we're in business and i can start straight away. (well, actually 6th June).

I still feel irritated about not getting any answers to my original request re the day and time of the group, and the way that Venus was reluctant to disclose information, and was avoiding being specific about when the groups run. I found out today that its because she's a brand new Lighterlife counsellor (but was already a counsellor before that) and so she's probably still getting the hang of how you form groups.

I'm having to do an evening group, which i didn't want to do, really, because it means i will have to not be available for my business on that evening and i may lose money (see yesterdays post for more on my biz history).
any how, when i initially rang requesting the days and times of groups running, she said there would be a group running on a monday afternooon, but it turns out its now going to be a tuesday afternoon, which i cannot do. To wait for a monday, thursday or friday is anyones guess how long. She said its a matter of waiting until there are enough people. I dont want to wait a month or two months or more. I need to get started right away.

Well, like i said last night, i'm going to do it.
I'm starting on the 6th June and I'm going to do the program for 6 months and i'm going to lose six stones.
And i'm starting in two weeks.
Amen.

So, after that meeting with Venus, i drove into the city centre and went into Boots to get my 'free gift with any Estee Lauder purchase'. Along with my usual make up i got a cute bag with cosmetic goodies inside. That will do nicely for my lovely friend who has a birthday next week. (Sorry to be a cheapskate folks, but if you're following me, you know how i've had it financially over the last 6 years. - i've had to adapt, reader, I've had to adapt).

Anyway, i haven't been in the city centre for about 4 months. I generally only do go in there when i need to get something i can't get locally - usually two or three times per year. The only thing that is generally not available locally, is my Estee Lauder make-up.

You see, my clothes, etc, i buy them all locally, from my little suburban shopping street, Asda, Bon Marché, Peacocks, and i think there is one called 'Select' or something. Anyway, these are the shops that sell size 18's and when i need (and only when i NEED) new items i just rush in and get them in an hour - as quick as i can, and if possible, without trying them on. Guess why? That's right, because of my fat body.

Having been a size 8-10 only 6 years ago and weighing only 7 st 10lbs to 8 stone 4lbs, it feels rather uncomfortable, reader, to now be 14 stones and a generous size 18.

When i say generous, i don't mean that I'm a kind large woman, no i mean, I wouldn't fit into high street fashion stores size 18's.
No, no, no, those fashion store 18's are for people who are 5 foot 9 and weigh about 12 stones. They are designed for those people who have hip-bones, man. And waists. And they can show a bit of leg, or have a bit of clingy material going on, man.
No, No, No.
This bloggers size 18 is a very different creature.
It is black trousers, black trousers and black trousers, teamed with jackets in subtle shades and tops, blouses and shirts, all made from fine knitted, usually cotton, materials, like teashirt material but made into different styles of tops. (ordinary stuff without the stretch and mould-without-cling just make one appear to be 5 foot square and protrude from the body at strange angles, or else strangle the body between every possible fat encrusted joint).

So, back to the mall, here i was, cruising around the smart city centre shopping mall. Something i used to do in my twenties when i had two things that i do not have now, one; money and two; a body that looked nice when decorated.

Sigh.
this time, however, was different from the last few years that i've made trips into town. Instead of speedily going to where i needed to go to and then quickly back down to the car-park, in the most desperate hope that nobody from my thin past would bump into me in my fatsuit, this time, i took a stroll along the promenade - gawping at the sickeningly overpriced products of our capitalist system that so many people consider to be essential items for what they see is an average standard of living, and one that they have a right to have, rant, rant.

Despite my jealousy (i can't afford to shop in the city centre - the car park fees alone... i havent got the money - i just don't have it - i'm self employed and ive been doing a degree for years -which i have now JUST finished).
Anyway yeah, despite my jealousy, i did find myself entranced by the sparkly gems trimming the beautiful floaty dresses in Monsoon, and then in Wallis. WOW.

And all the lovely shoes in the windows, with the little thin straps and delicate high heels. I even went in and held such a shoe in my hand. And, oh, the little sun-tops in the gorgeous ice-cream colours. All of the things that i could be having..... all of the things that i could be having. I could be having them.

But i cant.
Scarcity, you see is my problem.
Well, a sence of scarcity that i have.
i know it.
Becase all of this weight gain - one stone per year - started once i sold my business and went back into education to get my degree. I had to find an alternate way to support myself and so i put that alternate way into place and it went bust, reader.
I decided to carry on with the degree and ever since then i have been struggling to make a living. Sometimes not even making ends meet for years ( i remortgaged and lots of other things).

Sigh again.
So scarcity, yeah. I didn't know when i would have enough to even buy food. And if i bought food would i money come in next week, or next month? Sometimes not.
i am in the habit of buying the 'marked down' food and putting it in the freezer, or having that for my dinner. i go to the cheaper supermarkets and market stalls, and i wont spend more than £65 per week in any supermarket, including food, all toiletries and cleaning materials and catfood.
Now, most people, ok lets be more realisitic, some other people in that situation would cut down on food, sometimes not eating at all or going to parents and other sources of free food.

not me.
No.
I stopped eating at everyone elses houses.
I only eat at home, or in the car (which i don't do much now cos I've banned myself) and i eat alone. While watching TV.

Thinking back to those days i was sometimes eating down food when i was actually so choked and i was actually crying. The food stopped the tears coming out. Getting the food from my mouth down the pipe into my stomach involved making my body do it, and it stopped the hiccuping sensation of crying, i had to breathe, i had to chew. i couldnt contort my face and i couldn't sob, and i couldn't wail. I couldn't feel anything. But i watched some great TV.

And once the food was down in my system i had a bundle of substances to then sort out, you see, because it all needs digesting. And while its sitting there theres nothing else you can do but let your body get on with sorting it out and wait for it to come out the other side.

I often slept after eating binges in those early days.
Nowerdays, i just have proper meals. And its only very rarely that i eat when i'm seriosuly distressed. I usually overeat these days when i'm bored, or when I'm scared. But i dont do massive eating binges anymore. I think i've also managed to cure the 'eating when i'm anxious' mode.
However, when i need cheering up i eat.
And if i have acheived something i will buy a luxury food item at full price to celebrate. (say a large celebration cake and eat it all)
that part of it all still need sorting out - and that part is the part thats keeping me fat. When i do weight watchers or the like, there are no rewards, no celebrations, no experience of luxury. Nothing without food. And so i fail at the diet programs you see, cos i go along really well, and then i just blow it!

Mind you, I think i've actually done very well, really.
I have functioned enough to get through all of my studies, keep my roof over my head alone, keep business going singlehandedly, and i have now also got a contract which is giving me a once-per-week regular income for a year.
And i don't have to pay university fees anymore.
I think i'm getting better.
I think i can be happy again.
The light is at the end of the tunnel, as they say.

I think i'll go and watch TV for a bit now and then call up a freind for a small chat.

Speak to you tomorrow, reader.

My appointment is at 10 am tomorrow.
Venus (the internet name i've given to the group counsellor and foodpack dealer) made me the appointment after gasping about "how mad everything has gone around here".
Yeah, thanks, Venus.
You've bought yourself a francise and you're busier than youve ever been and you're gleefully relieved and gaspingly surprised at just how many of us £66 pounds per week people are coming through your door every hour of every day.

Me, however, ...well, Venus, you know, its like this....I'm not doing too well in my own business, Its like, for the last two years its been ok, ive actually made more than i need to spend, and this year is looking really sweet, i think i may even earn enough to qualify to pay some tax!!! Yeah, come to think of it, its only the first four years of the last six years, that have been scary, frustrating and agonising, as i worked and didn't earn enough to pay my own way.
I had to keep going, though, so that i could continue with university and gain my qualification - which i have now just done - hooooooo-bloody-ray.
anywya, I'm luckier than a lot of people, in that i had a property i could remortgage to get me through.
think i'm definately out of the worst, and i might even be in the clear from now on.

I wonder whether Venus has any concept of being trapped in an almost state of poverty, and getting fatter and fatter in about the same proportions of increase as that of her frustrations, disapointment and gloom.

I wonder whether Venus was ever fat. Ever Obese. I wonder whether she has been through the lighterlife program. I wonder whether she has starved herself for 6 months.

I do hope so.
I think t will help.
I will certainly respect her anyway.
She'd probably not even have to talk. I'd just think, "Well, if you've done it then..."

I'm not holding out much hope of wonderful therapy on this program. Yeah, i think that i've realised that the therapy is not particularly going to be high quality.
I am prepared for that.
And still I'm going for it. (today i've been questioning - should i even go? I mean, i could buy Cambridge Diet, which is exactly the same thing, and forgo the group counselling and save myself about £50 per week.)

But, no.
I'm going to gve it all.
I'm trusting them that they have provided an adequate program.
Brilliant, probably not.
Adequate?
I hope so.

And if its not...well, then...i just have to make the best of it that i can.

I'm going to follow the starvation program.
I'm doing it.
I'm losing 6 stones.
And i'm doing it this year.

Its the third day of contemplation. Seems significant doesn't it somehow?

And contemplatin' i have certainly been doing.
And as well, Oh, my word, I've had some thoughts that are too horrific to contemplate.

Get this, i happened to spot a quick shot of the panel on Matthew Wrights talk show this morning as i flicked on the news for ten minutes while waiting for the computer to 'do something'.

Who was on there, but Anne Diamond. [Shreik] I dont know what they were talking about because i went over to sky news, as i say, but i just caught, out of the corner of my eye, for a millisecond, a glimpse of her fat face and her little-framed body with mountains of fat clinging to every organ and bone, wrapped in a boxy padded-shouldered sized 20 navy jacket.
[shreik, and screem and shreik again].
[shudders deeply and for a long time]

now i've done a little bit of work, and come to rest. "What if i end up like her?" i thought.
I mean, she has tried EVERYTHING, hasn't she reader? But no matter what, she just can't stop herself stuffing cakes and pies into her mouth, can she? (C'mon, lets get real, the woman doesn't go around eating salads and raw fish does she? - well, only for snacks)

She's even gone as far as to mutilate her own body. She has taken the risk, to her own life, of being put under anaesthetic and had her body opened up (or tubed up, if by keyhole) and things inside of her have been cut, burned, removed, moved around, poked, prodded, sliced.
Its grotesque.
And she's still obese.

She put herself in the position of getting into the limelight (i.e. fat-club reality TV show) where she would have all the help of the weight loss program to keep her on a weight loss plan, but she wasn't losing weight. she was still obese.

And then it 'came to light' paparazzi style, that Anne had been in hospital for a gastric operation.
but she was STILL Obese.

In having had the gastric operation in order to lose weight, (which she knew about but the viewers and contestants did not know, she [allegedly] allowed the story to leak out, readers, (like anne wishes her fat would do?).
Wouldn't it have been great if the public would have all seen that, [gasp] even this gastric operation hasn't worked. "Oh my goodness, the poor helpless woman",the public and medical boffins and politicians would say, "we must collectively do something to change the world so that hopelessly fat people do not stay fat any more".

And they all lived happily ever after. Fat people would still eat cakes and still wear size 10 dresses, and Anne Diamond would be a superstar/national hero.

What a fantasy.
(Actually i first wrote, "What a fatasy" there, but went back and corrected it. Freud would've been poud of me).

Anyway, Anne Diamond.
Seeing you has horrified me.
I am the same as you. I, too, am betraying my own body, shortening my life, reducing the quality of my life, and generally self-harming but being obese.

ANd you know what, Anne Diamond, the funny thing is, that we really ARE helpless women.
Accept it and get over it.

We're helpless because we can't be helped.
NOBODY could help me or you, Anne Diamond, to lose the fat from our bodies.
Because as soon as we are alone with food, guess what?
We shove it into our bodies.

it doesn't take much - you dont need to be constantly eating to maintain this amount of obesity. Just every now and then, could be once in a week, could be twice, could be every two or three weeks - but the point is, that sooner or later, the time comes when we just get a lot of calories and stuff them into our mouths.

If we didn't get fat, nobody would know what we did would they?
If we gambled, drank, had sex, did powerplays and bullying, produced work, exercised...or did any other number of things compulsively, we probably wouldnt be obese.

Its not because we love food,
Nor because we hate it.
But food, has become a metaphor - a physical manefestation -
of the parts of us that we love and hate.
But, its not in our conscious awareness at the time.
It really feels like its all about the food.

Even to me, and i do know better.

A lot has happened.

I plucked up enough courage to telephone my colleague, the aforementioned 'big woman who has lost four stones'.

After pleasantries, i said that i had noticed that she was looking fabulous and wondered whether she was willing to let me into her 'secret'. She admitted losing weight on the lighterlife program, (I KNEW it!) and has lost almost one and a half stones in under four weeks.

I am astounded.

She enthused for ages about the merits of not having to go to the supermarket ever, and being full of energy, having a good internal clear out and detox, and losing weight, and not having to cook (she's also got her husband on it, clever woman).

I sighed.

"Yeah but what about going to the toilet?", I moaned,
"All that water!" I wailed.

"That IS the ONLY thing" she firmly replied. "Everything you do, you have to go to the loo first, and then go to the loo again afterwards."

I groaned.
In meetings i already do that, and sometimes, only very very occasionally - usually when i'm on a fad diet - or a detox program - I have to make an excuse to come out so i can empty my bladder".

"Well, surely, it must take about two weeks to wean yourself off the food?" said I.

I heard her titter, "No, just the first few days you feel a little odd, and out of sorts, then you go into Ketosis...blah, blah, blah"

Yeah, i remembered that from the Atkins diet that i didnt lose weight on either, when a different colleague lost two stones doing it.
So, between recalling the Atkins failure, and feeling annoyed at big woman laughing at the thought of me in pain from weaning myself off food, I had a moment of sulky silence.

Big woman, has a big heart. She enthused me and urged me to do it. She asked me to keep in touch with her about it.

I feel grateful, that i might have a buddy in this anticipated brutal battle ahead.

I mean, surely, surely, surely, its not going to be easy is it?
How can weeks, no - lets be absolutely gruesomely detailed about this - it will be at least six months for me to lose six stones - six months of "Nil by Mouth" (except for the 'foodpacks'). Oh and i forgot, Big woman said you're allowed tea and coffee. Humph, how can it be a detox then?

I sulk again.

Its no good though.

I have no choice. I am fat. I am obese. I am unhappy and i am unhealthy. I do not lose weight by dieting. Over the last five years all different ways of removing the fat from my body have resulted in me being my highest EVER weight.

I'm about 14 stones and i am 5 foot five inches tall. My BMI is calculated at over 32 (30 is obese) and added to that i am small boned, i have a fairly delicate skeleton, and i have always until the last six years of my life, been a size 8, 10 or 12.
Now i am a size 18.

I am disgusted.

Last night i watched Big Brother (7). It is the one with 'Perfect Pete' and 'Shabaz' and 'Sezer' and 'Beefcake Richard' and lots of lovely nubile girls. They all jumped into the outdoor pool togehter and had a fun time.
I wished that i could do that.
Used to.
Can't now - well i could, but everyone else would climb out!

As you may have realised, reader, I'm in a depressed state today. So sorry for being an arse.

Lets wish for a sunnier outlook tomorrow, hey?
Thanks for reading.

OK then,
after a few attempts at contacting the counsellor in my area that appealed to me, (out of a choice of about five in my area, within ten or so, miles of me) i decided that since she's not got back to me, i should try a different one. I'm itching to get on with it now I've made up my mind.

Anyway, back to the phone call. Immediately the other counsellor, lets call her Venus, (as in the goddess of Love - lets hope she has plenty of love to spare for frazzled dieters!) answered the phone and took me by surprise as i expected yet another answerphone message.

I wanted to know which days and times she runs the groups. She talked around it every time as if she really, really didn't want to answer my question, which i thought was odd. She waffled on about coming down to watch a DVD to see whether it was for me or not. I told her, "look, i've read a lot about it, i've made up my mind i want to do it, thats not the problem, I know that it is powders and soups and group counselling and that there are three phases to go through, starting with foundation phase" - [I've been reading other lighterlife blogs, you see reader, and got all the info] "the only problem is", I continued, "is that i have only certain days when i can attend such a group, and i need to know when are the days and times that you run the groups. Can you let me know the day and time that the group would be running please?".

In response to that statement she told me that I'd be joining a new group that would be starting in 'about two weeks' (humm, it's the word 'about' that made me suspicious - i've heard this kind of thing before, haven't you reader? - lets have a bet that its at least three weeks?)
anyhow, she said i'd need to start by coming into a new group and that she'd have to set one up, therefore i wasn't to worry as she could run that new group on the day and time that was convenient for me (and her, obviously!).

So, all well and good then?

I hope so. Finally i understood what her peculiar tone was about as she confessed that she was, at that exact moment, in session with another client and could she phone me back? I asked her at about what time she would call me back and she sad, "Ten minutes" and so i said, "Yes"" and i am now awaiting that call.

Oh and she mentioned that i'd have to get the go-ahead from my GP, [ I also knew about this from reading on the internet]. Here's hoping that I'm healthy enough in my docs opinion to withstand such a shock to the system.
Musing...."I wonder whether the doc will charge me a fee for the check up?"...

(Drums fingers) I'm still waiting for the call back. Its now been twenty minutes.

I feel tetchy, irritated, on edge. Goodness me, if I'm like this already, then what..... (oh lets not go there!).

Well, two hours has gone by and eventually she did phone me - when i was on the phone to someone else!!! AAAArgh! I knew that would happen. I waited and waited for her to phone me but eventually had to take other calls. How annoying is that? She left a message saying that she would be back on that number at 5 oclock. Lets see whether she answers the phone then at that time. I guess she's very busy ... hopefully doing interviews for the next new group, i.e. the one that i will be joining

Well, we have finally spoken. I got no further information over the telephone, she wants me to come in to see her (shes very forceful about this!). We've made an appointment to meet for a session on Thursday. At this session she will answer any questions i have, including those about which days and times the groups will be running. It does feel annoying not being told straight, but haiving to wait until we meet to find out, but I will go along with it because i want to find out. I do, though, hope that it isn't going to be like this all along!!! WATCH THIS SPACE to find out.

May 22nd, 2005.
Hi, My internet name is Deter (not my real name of course) and i am here to tell you all about my process of dieting - drastically! To put you i the picture - I'm about 5 -6 stones overweight. ANd I hav eput all of this weight on - nearly six stones - over the last 6 years!!! Yup - i won't go into it here, just yet, but i guess it will all unfold as you go through my blog over the days, weeks and months.

At the moment, I'm sitting here at home scoffing chocolate brownies for breakfast - they're a left over from yesterdays pig-out with the sundays papers.

For a moment then, i thought about saying to you that i dont know what made me do it, but i think i do know really. It was a boring sunday, thre was nothing on telley and it was absolutely chuckng it down. It was getting so cold for end of May, and going dark and grey outside, just like my mood. I had nine hours before Big Brother was on the TV, and life was a drag. What to do? Obviously, going to the petrol station supermarket and buying double choc chip american cookies, a box of choc brownes, large pack of flapjacks, and a box of Lindt Lindor chocolates was the solution.

That's half the trouble really isnt it?
Eating for boredom. It's no good. In fact, it's downright harmful. Filling my system with saturated fats and sugars in this way, has to be a major, major health hazard. Looking on the bright side of things though, i didnt eat them all. I couldnt eat them all. Thats why I'm finishing them off today.

I've got a problem - a serious problem.
"My name is Deter and I'm a food-a-holic".
It would be hilarious if it wasn't so painful.

In the last three years i've registered with Weight Watchers three times. Once when my brother announced he was getting married and my mum persusaded me to join with her. She lost five stones and i gave up after losing the first eight pounds! The second time was last september (its now May 2006) and it took me about 12 weeks to lose 13 and a half pounds - yes just one half of a pound under the stone. Christmas 2005 came and i thought i was doing alright. But by end January 2006, couldnt get into my clothes again. So by May 2006, i joined again- the third of the attempts in the three years. I found i had put all the weight back on (which i knew i'd done within three weeks of leaving Weight Watchers) plus one pound! After four weeks i've lost 6 and a half pounds of it (4 pounds in the first week, 2 in the second, half a pound the third week).

Weight watchers is on a Thursday. By Friday night i was in pain from eating too much fruit (which i am supposed to eat fruit as a sanck, but not a whole fruit market stall!!!). Saturday was uncomfortable. And by Sunday, as i've already mentioned, i was cold grey and dark.

One of my colleagues that i see periodically (about every 8 weeks) seems to have lost an enormous amount of weight. She's a big woman, and must weigh at least 18 stone i would have thought (she's tall and big boned). Well, i saw her in a meeting about two weeks ago and she looks like she weighs about 14 stones. I sort of noticed, but didnt pay that much attention because it was a serious meeting.

Another colleague and I were chatting (we're on more friendly terms) and we started talking about, lets call her, 'the big woman'. My friend said, "oh yes, she's on a special diet". "What's that?", enquired I. "This group counseling thing", my friend said, uninspiringly.

"I know that!" I excitedly responded, "I have read about it, i sent off for the pack, i thought about training to be one of the counsellors myself, but at 10 grand training costs, I'm not going to bother - is it Lighter Life?" i blurted out. "Yes", she said, "Ah", i mused, "Yes, thought so". And anyway, she said, "the training is actually fifteen grand". "Humph," i thought, "Someone is making a fortune!"

Anyway, this conversation and thoughts therefter concerned with it, have been nagging me for the last few days. Every time i have thought about putting something into my mouth, i have pictured 'the big woman who has lost four stones'.

It has been bothering me.
I confess - I am jealous.
I'm scared.
If she loses about another three stones she will be a beautiful, slim woman. Everything she wants to do, will be able to be done, nothing can hold her back if she loses the weight.
My nightmare is that she does it, and a wonderful life becomes hers.

Phew.
I'm amazed that i said that. Its not as if i dont like her. I do like her. I look up to her, i admire her. I like her. I consider that she is worthy and deserving of happy things. and that she should have them. And i should have them as well. But my fat body stops me from having them. I can't go out because i look such an idioit if i try to dress up. i can't go to the gym because i look such an idiot when i try to move around. I can't do a lot of things because I dont hav ethe same mobility and i get tired and, frankly i get very bored.

lets face it, i'd rather just stay in and eat.
so, if thats the case, ...why, then, aren't i happy doing that, and letting the 'big woman' go on to lose weight and get a fabulous life, while i just spend my life alone eating???
Hmmmmmmm.
Compared to her getting a fabulous life, a life of me sitting in alone and eating, doesn't sound so great now, does it?
So when i think of her going and getting a fabulous life, and me not getting a fabulous life, i feel ....i feel....well, i feel...scared!!!

Scared? scared? Why did i say scared? I would have thought i would have said "angry", or at least "sad". But scared. What a funny thing to say. I think i need counselling, ha ha.

Which brings me on to my next point, dear reader, to bring you up to date. Realising that i need counselling - i have decided to approach the group counselling thingy and do the program. "Hey, perhaps i'll git me one of them, there fablous lives!" This realisation came on sunday - and filled with new-found optimism - and also realising that i'd have to give up food in order to get one of them, there fabulous lives, i rushed to the petrol station supermarket to buy chocloate filled goodies.

And so we come full circle.

One other thing. I searched the internet to find out more about this group counsellor program thingy and found it is in conjunction with doing what is called a VLCD - a very low calorie diet. That means, readers, those dreadful dieting milkshakes, soups and bars!!! You have them instead - yes instead - of food. So, what does tthat mean? It means NO FOOD FOR MONTHS!!!

Do I want to do this? CAN I do this? The images of 'the big woman who has lost four stones' kept flashing up into my mind - Do i want to live like this and let her go ahead and have the fabulous life that i can't have because i am too lazy to change? Well, when put like that - the choice is a little easier to make. I contacted the group counsellor of the group counsellor thingy and left a message on her voice mail, saying that i wanted to join the program. I havent heard anything yet...

Of course, You'll be the first to know when i do.