Lighterlife. Deters Drastic Dieting Diaries

OK then,
after a few attempts at contacting the counsellor in my area that appealed to me, (out of a choice of about five in my area, within ten or so, miles of me) i decided that since she's not got back to me, i should try a different one. I'm itching to get on with it now I've made up my mind.

Anyway, back to the phone call. Immediately the other counsellor, lets call her Venus, (as in the goddess of Love - lets hope she has plenty of love to spare for frazzled dieters!) answered the phone and took me by surprise as i expected yet another answerphone message.

I wanted to know which days and times she runs the groups. She talked around it every time as if she really, really didn't want to answer my question, which i thought was odd. She waffled on about coming down to watch a DVD to see whether it was for me or not. I told her, "look, i've read a lot about it, i've made up my mind i want to do it, thats not the problem, I know that it is powders and soups and group counselling and that there are three phases to go through, starting with foundation phase" - [I've been reading other lighterlife blogs, you see reader, and got all the info] "the only problem is", I continued, "is that i have only certain days when i can attend such a group, and i need to know when are the days and times that you run the groups. Can you let me know the day and time that the group would be running please?".

In response to that statement she told me that I'd be joining a new group that would be starting in 'about two weeks' (humm, it's the word 'about' that made me suspicious - i've heard this kind of thing before, haven't you reader? - lets have a bet that its at least three weeks?)
anyhow, she said i'd need to start by coming into a new group and that she'd have to set one up, therefore i wasn't to worry as she could run that new group on the day and time that was convenient for me (and her, obviously!).

So, all well and good then?

I hope so. Finally i understood what her peculiar tone was about as she confessed that she was, at that exact moment, in session with another client and could she phone me back? I asked her at about what time she would call me back and she sad, "Ten minutes" and so i said, "Yes"" and i am now awaiting that call.

Oh and she mentioned that i'd have to get the go-ahead from my GP, [ I also knew about this from reading on the internet]. Here's hoping that I'm healthy enough in my docs opinion to withstand such a shock to the system.
Musing...."I wonder whether the doc will charge me a fee for the check up?"...

(Drums fingers) I'm still waiting for the call back. Its now been twenty minutes.

I feel tetchy, irritated, on edge. Goodness me, if I'm like this already, then what..... (oh lets not go there!).

Well, two hours has gone by and eventually she did phone me - when i was on the phone to someone else!!! AAAArgh! I knew that would happen. I waited and waited for her to phone me but eventually had to take other calls. How annoying is that? She left a message saying that she would be back on that number at 5 oclock. Lets see whether she answers the phone then at that time. I guess she's very busy ... hopefully doing interviews for the next new group, i.e. the one that i will be joining

Well, we have finally spoken. I got no further information over the telephone, she wants me to come in to see her (shes very forceful about this!). We've made an appointment to meet for a session on Thursday. At this session she will answer any questions i have, including those about which days and times the groups will be running. It does feel annoying not being told straight, but haiving to wait until we meet to find out, but I will go along with it because i want to find out. I do, though, hope that it isn't going to be like this all along!!! WATCH THIS SPACE to find out.

May 22nd, 2005.
Hi, My internet name is Deter (not my real name of course) and i am here to tell you all about my process of dieting - drastically! To put you i the picture - I'm about 5 -6 stones overweight. ANd I hav eput all of this weight on - nearly six stones - over the last 6 years!!! Yup - i won't go into it here, just yet, but i guess it will all unfold as you go through my blog over the days, weeks and months.

At the moment, I'm sitting here at home scoffing chocolate brownies for breakfast - they're a left over from yesterdays pig-out with the sundays papers.

For a moment then, i thought about saying to you that i dont know what made me do it, but i think i do know really. It was a boring sunday, thre was nothing on telley and it was absolutely chuckng it down. It was getting so cold for end of May, and going dark and grey outside, just like my mood. I had nine hours before Big Brother was on the TV, and life was a drag. What to do? Obviously, going to the petrol station supermarket and buying double choc chip american cookies, a box of choc brownes, large pack of flapjacks, and a box of Lindt Lindor chocolates was the solution.

That's half the trouble really isnt it?
Eating for boredom. It's no good. In fact, it's downright harmful. Filling my system with saturated fats and sugars in this way, has to be a major, major health hazard. Looking on the bright side of things though, i didnt eat them all. I couldnt eat them all. Thats why I'm finishing them off today.

I've got a problem - a serious problem.
"My name is Deter and I'm a food-a-holic".
It would be hilarious if it wasn't so painful.

In the last three years i've registered with Weight Watchers three times. Once when my brother announced he was getting married and my mum persusaded me to join with her. She lost five stones and i gave up after losing the first eight pounds! The second time was last september (its now May 2006) and it took me about 12 weeks to lose 13 and a half pounds - yes just one half of a pound under the stone. Christmas 2005 came and i thought i was doing alright. But by end January 2006, couldnt get into my clothes again. So by May 2006, i joined again- the third of the attempts in the three years. I found i had put all the weight back on (which i knew i'd done within three weeks of leaving Weight Watchers) plus one pound! After four weeks i've lost 6 and a half pounds of it (4 pounds in the first week, 2 in the second, half a pound the third week).

Weight watchers is on a Thursday. By Friday night i was in pain from eating too much fruit (which i am supposed to eat fruit as a sanck, but not a whole fruit market stall!!!). Saturday was uncomfortable. And by Sunday, as i've already mentioned, i was cold grey and dark.

One of my colleagues that i see periodically (about every 8 weeks) seems to have lost an enormous amount of weight. She's a big woman, and must weigh at least 18 stone i would have thought (she's tall and big boned). Well, i saw her in a meeting about two weeks ago and she looks like she weighs about 14 stones. I sort of noticed, but didnt pay that much attention because it was a serious meeting.

Another colleague and I were chatting (we're on more friendly terms) and we started talking about, lets call her, 'the big woman'. My friend said, "oh yes, she's on a special diet". "What's that?", enquired I. "This group counseling thing", my friend said, uninspiringly.

"I know that!" I excitedly responded, "I have read about it, i sent off for the pack, i thought about training to be one of the counsellors myself, but at 10 grand training costs, I'm not going to bother - is it Lighter Life?" i blurted out. "Yes", she said, "Ah", i mused, "Yes, thought so". And anyway, she said, "the training is actually fifteen grand". "Humph," i thought, "Someone is making a fortune!"

Anyway, this conversation and thoughts therefter concerned with it, have been nagging me for the last few days. Every time i have thought about putting something into my mouth, i have pictured 'the big woman who has lost four stones'.

It has been bothering me.
I confess - I am jealous.
I'm scared.
If she loses about another three stones she will be a beautiful, slim woman. Everything she wants to do, will be able to be done, nothing can hold her back if she loses the weight.
My nightmare is that she does it, and a wonderful life becomes hers.

Phew.
I'm amazed that i said that. Its not as if i dont like her. I do like her. I look up to her, i admire her. I like her. I consider that she is worthy and deserving of happy things. and that she should have them. And i should have them as well. But my fat body stops me from having them. I can't go out because i look such an idioit if i try to dress up. i can't go to the gym because i look such an idiot when i try to move around. I can't do a lot of things because I dont hav ethe same mobility and i get tired and, frankly i get very bored.

lets face it, i'd rather just stay in and eat.
so, if thats the case, ...why, then, aren't i happy doing that, and letting the 'big woman' go on to lose weight and get a fabulous life, while i just spend my life alone eating???
Hmmmmmmm.
Compared to her getting a fabulous life, a life of me sitting in alone and eating, doesn't sound so great now, does it?
So when i think of her going and getting a fabulous life, and me not getting a fabulous life, i feel ....i feel....well, i feel...scared!!!

Scared? scared? Why did i say scared? I would have thought i would have said "angry", or at least "sad". But scared. What a funny thing to say. I think i need counselling, ha ha.

Which brings me on to my next point, dear reader, to bring you up to date. Realising that i need counselling - i have decided to approach the group counselling thingy and do the program. "Hey, perhaps i'll git me one of them, there fablous lives!" This realisation came on sunday - and filled with new-found optimism - and also realising that i'd have to give up food in order to get one of them, there fabulous lives, i rushed to the petrol station supermarket to buy chocloate filled goodies.

And so we come full circle.

One other thing. I searched the internet to find out more about this group counsellor program thingy and found it is in conjunction with doing what is called a VLCD - a very low calorie diet. That means, readers, those dreadful dieting milkshakes, soups and bars!!! You have them instead - yes instead - of food. So, what does tthat mean? It means NO FOOD FOR MONTHS!!!

Do I want to do this? CAN I do this? The images of 'the big woman who has lost four stones' kept flashing up into my mind - Do i want to live like this and let her go ahead and have the fabulous life that i can't have because i am too lazy to change? Well, when put like that - the choice is a little easier to make. I contacted the group counsellor of the group counsellor thingy and left a message on her voice mail, saying that i wanted to join the program. I havent heard anything yet...

Of course, You'll be the first to know when i do.