Well, Venus has a lovely room.

The sun was shining and she had beautiful flowers on her mantlepiece and a lovely big squishy settee. And i do mean BIG - all the better for all of those big bums to sit on.

We watched a DVD, yawn. It was the usual infomercial type of stuff... except set out just like fern and phillip on the 'this morning' settee... lots of people singing the praises of the program, having lost 10 stones and then there was the interview with the founder explaining why she formed the company (words akin to "I want to work with children and end world poverty") and then there were little snippets, sort of teasers, from all diferent people about how its a psychological thing and doing the groups counselling gets you thinking....."Well, der-er!!!!"

As i said in my previous posts, I don't think the counselling will particularly be of a high standard, i mean...well, i admit it, i'm a therapy snob. I think this counselling will be like the Daily Mail, and i've already metaphorically read the daily mail in my twenties and actually, its the Guardian that meets my intellectual needs, these days.....

Well, i'm sure that i will get insight..no, I'm positive that i will get a lot of insight. I've been in therapy groups before, and I know how to 'do' therapy. I can do my own therapy, and i can tolerate people going through very basic stuff and finding it earth shattering. (wry laugh) I think i'll have to learn to tolerate it. It will do me good, to learn to tolerate others - thats half my problem anyway.

So, back to Venus.
We chatted.
Venus has never been obese.
Venus has done the lighterlife for 10 days (as a requirement of the lighterlife trainng).
Venus is a size 10.

I filled in a form, and i have a form to take to my GP. If the GP say's "Yeah" we're in business and i can start straight away. (well, actually 6th June).

I still feel irritated about not getting any answers to my original request re the day and time of the group, and the way that Venus was reluctant to disclose information, and was avoiding being specific about when the groups run. I found out today that its because she's a brand new Lighterlife counsellor (but was already a counsellor before that) and so she's probably still getting the hang of how you form groups.

I'm having to do an evening group, which i didn't want to do, really, because it means i will have to not be available for my business on that evening and i may lose money (see yesterdays post for more on my biz history).
any how, when i initially rang requesting the days and times of groups running, she said there would be a group running on a monday afternooon, but it turns out its now going to be a tuesday afternoon, which i cannot do. To wait for a monday, thursday or friday is anyones guess how long. She said its a matter of waiting until there are enough people. I dont want to wait a month or two months or more. I need to get started right away.

Well, like i said last night, i'm going to do it.
I'm starting on the 6th June and I'm going to do the program for 6 months and i'm going to lose six stones.
And i'm starting in two weeks.
Amen.

So, after that meeting with Venus, i drove into the city centre and went into Boots to get my 'free gift with any Estee Lauder purchase'. Along with my usual make up i got a cute bag with cosmetic goodies inside. That will do nicely for my lovely friend who has a birthday next week. (Sorry to be a cheapskate folks, but if you're following me, you know how i've had it financially over the last 6 years. - i've had to adapt, reader, I've had to adapt).

Anyway, i haven't been in the city centre for about 4 months. I generally only do go in there when i need to get something i can't get locally - usually two or three times per year. The only thing that is generally not available locally, is my Estee Lauder make-up.

You see, my clothes, etc, i buy them all locally, from my little suburban shopping street, Asda, Bon Marché, Peacocks, and i think there is one called 'Select' or something. Anyway, these are the shops that sell size 18's and when i need (and only when i NEED) new items i just rush in and get them in an hour - as quick as i can, and if possible, without trying them on. Guess why? That's right, because of my fat body.

Having been a size 8-10 only 6 years ago and weighing only 7 st 10lbs to 8 stone 4lbs, it feels rather uncomfortable, reader, to now be 14 stones and a generous size 18.

When i say generous, i don't mean that I'm a kind large woman, no i mean, I wouldn't fit into high street fashion stores size 18's.
No, no, no, those fashion store 18's are for people who are 5 foot 9 and weigh about 12 stones. They are designed for those people who have hip-bones, man. And waists. And they can show a bit of leg, or have a bit of clingy material going on, man.
No, No, No.
This bloggers size 18 is a very different creature.
It is black trousers, black trousers and black trousers, teamed with jackets in subtle shades and tops, blouses and shirts, all made from fine knitted, usually cotton, materials, like teashirt material but made into different styles of tops. (ordinary stuff without the stretch and mould-without-cling just make one appear to be 5 foot square and protrude from the body at strange angles, or else strangle the body between every possible fat encrusted joint).

So, back to the mall, here i was, cruising around the smart city centre shopping mall. Something i used to do in my twenties when i had two things that i do not have now, one; money and two; a body that looked nice when decorated.

Sigh.
this time, however, was different from the last few years that i've made trips into town. Instead of speedily going to where i needed to go to and then quickly back down to the car-park, in the most desperate hope that nobody from my thin past would bump into me in my fatsuit, this time, i took a stroll along the promenade - gawping at the sickeningly overpriced products of our capitalist system that so many people consider to be essential items for what they see is an average standard of living, and one that they have a right to have, rant, rant.

Despite my jealousy (i can't afford to shop in the city centre - the car park fees alone... i havent got the money - i just don't have it - i'm self employed and ive been doing a degree for years -which i have now JUST finished).
Anyway yeah, despite my jealousy, i did find myself entranced by the sparkly gems trimming the beautiful floaty dresses in Monsoon, and then in Wallis. WOW.

And all the lovely shoes in the windows, with the little thin straps and delicate high heels. I even went in and held such a shoe in my hand. And, oh, the little sun-tops in the gorgeous ice-cream colours. All of the things that i could be having..... all of the things that i could be having. I could be having them.

But i cant.
Scarcity, you see is my problem.
Well, a sence of scarcity that i have.
i know it.
Becase all of this weight gain - one stone per year - started once i sold my business and went back into education to get my degree. I had to find an alternate way to support myself and so i put that alternate way into place and it went bust, reader.
I decided to carry on with the degree and ever since then i have been struggling to make a living. Sometimes not even making ends meet for years ( i remortgaged and lots of other things).

Sigh again.
So scarcity, yeah. I didn't know when i would have enough to even buy food. And if i bought food would i money come in next week, or next month? Sometimes not.
i am in the habit of buying the 'marked down' food and putting it in the freezer, or having that for my dinner. i go to the cheaper supermarkets and market stalls, and i wont spend more than £65 per week in any supermarket, including food, all toiletries and cleaning materials and catfood.
Now, most people, ok lets be more realisitic, some other people in that situation would cut down on food, sometimes not eating at all or going to parents and other sources of free food.

not me.
No.
I stopped eating at everyone elses houses.
I only eat at home, or in the car (which i don't do much now cos I've banned myself) and i eat alone. While watching TV.

Thinking back to those days i was sometimes eating down food when i was actually so choked and i was actually crying. The food stopped the tears coming out. Getting the food from my mouth down the pipe into my stomach involved making my body do it, and it stopped the hiccuping sensation of crying, i had to breathe, i had to chew. i couldnt contort my face and i couldn't sob, and i couldn't wail. I couldn't feel anything. But i watched some great TV.

And once the food was down in my system i had a bundle of substances to then sort out, you see, because it all needs digesting. And while its sitting there theres nothing else you can do but let your body get on with sorting it out and wait for it to come out the other side.

I often slept after eating binges in those early days.
Nowerdays, i just have proper meals. And its only very rarely that i eat when i'm seriosuly distressed. I usually overeat these days when i'm bored, or when I'm scared. But i dont do massive eating binges anymore. I think i've also managed to cure the 'eating when i'm anxious' mode.
However, when i need cheering up i eat.
And if i have acheived something i will buy a luxury food item at full price to celebrate. (say a large celebration cake and eat it all)
that part of it all still need sorting out - and that part is the part thats keeping me fat. When i do weight watchers or the like, there are no rewards, no celebrations, no experience of luxury. Nothing without food. And so i fail at the diet programs you see, cos i go along really well, and then i just blow it!

Mind you, I think i've actually done very well, really.
I have functioned enough to get through all of my studies, keep my roof over my head alone, keep business going singlehandedly, and i have now also got a contract which is giving me a once-per-week regular income for a year.
And i don't have to pay university fees anymore.
I think i'm getting better.
I think i can be happy again.
The light is at the end of the tunnel, as they say.

I think i'll go and watch TV for a bit now and then call up a freind for a small chat.

Speak to you tomorrow, reader.