Well, I've been, I've met them all (the other Lighterlifers in my group) and I've got the foodpacks to last a week.
We all meet up again the same time and place exactly a week later - Tuesday evening. (All of us, with hopefully minus about 50 pounds of weight between the seven of us)
So, are you itching to know what its like and what i've made of it so far?
If so, read on.
Well, as we all started coming into the group room, Venus was already weighing and measuring the ladies (the groups are single sex groups). We were told to introduce ourselve to the person next to us.
When it was my turn, i was given my weight in kilos, and when i asked for the weight in stones, Venus said that she would tell me later when she had a chance to look at her converter. She never did, and it was only after i got home that i realised, and had to look it up on the internet convertor.
So, you want to know my weight then? Its a bit personal isnt it? But, well, I suppose that's why you're reading this blog, to get all of the grizzly details, and the reason that i'm making the blog is to record all of the grizzly details. So here goes...
N.B I've decided to put my weight into one of these boxes and i shall do this every time so that you can easily see the weights and the weight loss each week.
June 6th 2006
Starting weight
Weight = 93.1 kilos, 14 stone 7.
I am quite glad that i didn't know what the weight was in stones, because i am devastated. And i would rather be devastated in private. It was only three weeks ago that i was weighed at weightwatchers before i packed it in, and i weighed 13 stone 11, so thats a gain of 10 pounds in three weeks! I am horified. Are you?
Mind you, in a way, I have been trying my heardest to gain weight. With the way that i have been behaving, i.e stuffing food down me, the most calorie, sugared and fat laden food available, and as much of it as possible.
Its been like a competition to see how much of the worst food i can tolerate before i ....well, before i what? Before i ....die, before i pop - what?... i don't know.
The reason is beyond me.
It doesn't make sense does it?
It really is crazy behaviour.
I feel upset and scared, i am alarmed, and i wonder whether this crazy stuff will be sorted out, or whether it will just be my weight that gets sorted out (i.e. down to a healthy and attractive level).
Will i end up (YET AGAIN) just thin, but with the food and eating problem naddressed and silently sitting dormant, threatening to pounce up again at any time and ruin my life?
I hope not. I really hope not.
I have gone to LL full of hope.
I am trusting the company, that they have trained their counsellors sufficiently to make the counselling worthwhile for me, and for other people too.
There is one woman in our group that i am concerned about. She is seriously disturbed regarding food. And i do wonder how Venus will cope.
I wonder what back-up and support and supervision LL provide to their counsellors. As it happens Venus is already a counsellor and has also partially trained as a psychotherapist. So, there may be a depth of clinical experience, with Venus, that exceeds the LL training (thats my hope, anyway).
Something that has already challened the holding of this hope is that after the meeting, Venus told us that she was going to take our photograph.
I said, "OH NO!" and asked who owned the photograph.
I only realised after i got home that Venus evaded answering that question. She said that LL did not own the photo, but did not specify who did.
Its obvious isn't it? If its taken on the camera that Venus owns, then Venus owns the photo.
I jokingly asked, "when we get rich and famous, you're not going to sell this photo are you?"
I cannot remember her answer, but i think that it was, "No".
i said, "What if they offer you twenty thousand pounds?"
She said, "I'll share it with you".
Then the first one stood by the wall and before i knew it, they all had there photo taken one after the other. I followed suit and it was very uncomfortable. But i didn't stop it. It all happened so quick.
When i got into the house, i felt sick and angry. I wished that i'd refused to have the photo taken.
I thought about how this had happened to me, and realised the following things.
1) It was a surprise. I was not told until the moment that she had her camera in her hand that there would be a photograph of me taken.
2) Venus said, "Now then, You're going to have your photo taken." (to which i cried out in a complemetary jestful manner, "OH NO" - i bitterly regret not making my resistence a serious statement)
3) Everyone just stood up and got on with it. I was last to be photographed. I think that i was herded along with the crowd, and under peer pressure to conform and perform along with the expected norm.
I feel angry about this, I consider that i was...well, something that i can't seem to put my finger on... sort of tricked, coerced, and i felt deep humiliation as i stood there being photographed from the front and then from the side, with everyone watching on and looking at my oversized form with disapproval (quite possibly they were getting a good look at me because they were judging how overweight i am - fat people do that - its a desire to compare oneself against another fattie, or even just to look at them and scorn or laugh covertly). I even joked that i felt like a convict (like the snapshots you see of criminals after their jail sentance).
I do consider that i have been violated, and humiliated.
Venus was banging on about the start and end time of the group being important because people with weight/eating issues also hav eissues around boundaries (time, being a bounday) - yet, what about thinking about people with weight/eating issues also having issues around control/lack of control, humiliation, violation, etc etc.
It seems the sensitivity has already been found lacking.
I am bitterly disapointed.
I now have decided that i cannot trust the therapist to be sensitive to me, not trust the therapist to be protective of me, and not trust the therapist to understand, care or value my vulnerable self.
It now appears to be the case that i might get hurt in this counselling process, and that i am going to be in the worrying position of having to really take care of myself, myself. And in the position of really looking out for me, myself (can't trust therapist to do it).
So I am already resolving to myself that i will have to do it all myself in order to get what i want (to complete the diet for 6 months and lose 6 stones).
I feel scared and worried - i do feel anxious.
I dont know how i am going to manage this if the therapist is abusive - the thought that i have to be so vigilant to stop it, worries me greatly - what a responsibility - what if i don't do it adequately?
All this has taken many words to even begin to expain whats going on in me, yet it all happened so quick.
It took only minutes of processing the whole thing once i was home, and then i called the therapist and left a message that i was unhappy about the photo and i wanted it erased.
I feel really churned up about it. I wish that it had never happened. I wish that we had been told about the photograph in the intial interview. I feel that she purposly decieved us, and it doesn't feel nice. I think that she wanted to just get on with doing the photos as quick as possbile, so she rode rough-shod over us. I wonder what her personal feelings are about people having their photograph taken in these circumstances. I wonder what she declared to her LL people when she realised that she'd be having to do that to people.
I'm now going to watch Big brother for a little while and then go to bed.
