The news is dominated by reports of events that trail back to the incidents of 9/11
Here in the UK, Blair is still getting blasted for the 'intelligence' not being that intelligent. And the satirists take the slant that his 'reign' is over.
I feel the same way about my fat. It's reign over me is over. Hah, the vlcd is like 'Domestos'. "See ya, fat. You're a Gonner" (waves goodbye).
I was thinking today about how i said to you yesterday, reader, that i was using this time on the vlcd to, not only lose weight fast and successfully, but to also change my eating-habit-behaviours.
I imagined the time when i reach the end of my weight loss phase, i.e when I get as thin as i want to be (for i am not stopping this journey until then) and i thought, hmm, yeah there i am, some time in the not-too-far-future and look at me. [i was seeing this in my minds eye]. Seing her (the future me) i can see that I'm looking how i want to be. I have my life back. I almost, have my identity back (hmm i will think on this point further and blog it another time).
Yet have i sorted everything out?
Does that 'future me' know some things that i don't know? Some things that will keep her at the weight that she currently stands at?
These are the questions i asked, reader.
And i was dismayed to realise that, while she has learned some things , some very good things, she hasn't 'cracked it'. She isn't standing there calm and relaxed and confident, in the absolute certain knowledge that she won't do this to herself again. And that the issues hav ebeen resolved.
She does know how to get weight off efficiently, now though, so that knowledge was keeping her 'safe'. As i realised that about her, very quickly some things flashed before my eyes - being 12-20lbs overweight (over the ideal) and buying the vlcd on ebay and spending a month or six weeks on the diet getting it off. I even visualised another future me at the keyboard buying the stuff.
I recoiled in horror. NO! No, that's not what its about. It's not what its about, at all.
All of my life i have been concerned with fat and weight and getting it off. All of my life. I have never ever been big, though, like i am big now. Its only the last seven years of extreme diffculty, in majorly challenging circumstances, coupled with living alone and (for reasons that i wont go into here just now,) having no social support, that i have put weight on and become one of those fatties that you see in the street (size 18 and average height).
Good grief, its what i always abhorred. I have known that i have a problem with food, since age 15. (it started earlier but i wasn't aware of it at the time). Over the years since i was 15, which is 27 years, i have suffered a great deal because of this problem.
I have successfully kept at a size 10, for most of those years, with a few short spells of being a size 12 and two spells of being a size 8. I was happiest when i was a size 10 or 8. I was relaxed, confident, outgoing, sociable - all of the normal things that a person is. Once i got to a size 12 i had too much on my frame and i always looked and felt overweight. Then i would feel ashamed and lose confidence. In my wish to hide and dissapear i would withdraw socially and occupation-ally. I did feel uncomfortable in my body. I felt loathing and I was distressed until the weight came off again, which was sometimes months or sometimes a couple of years later.
Like i say most of my life I maintained a size 10 and that was a relief to be that size, but, oh how i suffered. Every diet, every exercise regimen, every detox approach, every starvation regimen, every diet product, everything. I have done them. Yes, some do work they work. And some do not. I can spot instantly the cons - remember Bai Lin tea, for instance that Sam Fox used to sell? And what about those daft sweating suits that you wear while running? i never did succumbbb to that level of stupidity - but cellulite creams, and other ridiculous stuff i used to fall for it all. And then there are the proper weight loss diets. They do work. So i did them all. And when i did the diet, the weight came off. Until the next time.
I told people. I told doctors, and other people thatthis was a problem. Nobody took the problem seriously because they were thinking, "what are you complaining about? You don't have a weight problem because you are not much overweight".
And other people. Friends and so on over the years in response to my reports of distress at my size 12 condition, "You don't need to lose weight, what's got into you?"
I felt like screaming, "yes, i am a normal size, but if you look at my body you will see that there is far more substance on it than is right and that is because i have a small frame!!!!!". But they never would look. Or those that did, said, "just eat less". Or some other such comments would be thrown around carelessly.
What is it with people, why do they do this? Nobody has the right to hear my distress and tell me what is right for my body and what isn't. They are not the ones who have the power to judge and decide what i weigh. How dare they. I wouldn't do that to anyone.
What about somebody getting drunk on alcohol two times per week, and telling you that they wanted to cut down, but couldn't. And adding on that they were very distressed by this. Would you turn around and say, "Just drink less" or how about, "What , you've got nothing to worry about, two nights per week of drunkenness is not a big enough problem to worry about". Would you think its ok to decide how many nights per week they should get drunk and feel ok about it? Is it ok? I think not. Surely it is up to each individual. If a person feels distressed at getting drunk twice per week and wants to change and they also feel distressed at their inability to make lasting changes about it because it comes back around when they still end up in the same place, getting drunk twice per week. Then they are distressed. What if that person feared that they were going to become an aloholic? What if they knew secretly that they had just that potential? If you knew that they were at risk of becoming an aloholic would your response be different? If you could project yourself further on in time and see that person actually living their life as an alcoholic in their 40's would you wish you could turn back the clock to respond differently, then? Or would you say to yourself, "Well, i can see now that the guy obviously had problems, but, pah, they're not mine so it doesn't matter". Would you say that if the person was your friend, or lover, or work colleague?
I do not feel better for ranting just now in the last few paragraphs. I actually feel worse. In the end, it actually isn't anybody else's problem. Its mine and i have to sort it out. No good focusing on 'them'. I have to focus on me. And right now, i need to feel nice. And i want to return to the positive focus that i have because i want a good life.
So, where were we? Oh yeah, imaginging my future self in my minds eye. I didn't get to tell you that once i realised that she didnt have the issues resolved, i had a response to that outcome. And I've decided that i want the outcome to be different. I want to be at the end of this weight-loss journey and have the issues resolved.
I wonder whether I will have enough time? I have 6 months - 183 days. As therapy goes, thats not that long to sort out a long-term and enduring problem. And for a problem that baffles me, and baffles even the profesionals, is there hope at all of resolving it?
Wel i do have 6 months. I do have 183 days on this weight loss diet. That is all of those days put aside to focus on this, my most important problem (albeit not always the most urgent). Thats quite a lot of days, isn't it reader? I mean, I'm not doing bad so far am I? On day 6 of 183 and I have mused through all of this lot. I have been thinking about doing a psychological summary periodically. I'm not sure yet. Would it be a good idea? I wish i could get you to vote on this blog. That would be interseting, wouldn't it?
Should Deter do a psychological summary or not?
YOU DECIDE. 
) But i have had a jolly good go at it. And this time, during the last 7 years, i have almost suceeded. 
