8/183. 175 days to go.

Today was difficult.
I woke up, still angry from yesterday (i still dont really know what about). I was also still extremely tired.

I decided to have my bar early that day. Nothing wrong with that? Well, no, in theory...no. However, i knew something was wrong. I 'heard' myself saying inside my head (and i use the word 'heard' loosly) "I'm gonna have that bar! I'm gonna have that bar!". It was of the same tone that an indignant child might use when they've been told by mother that they can't touch the party food until all of the guests are arrived and they say, "I'm going to poke my finger into the top of that cake (and thereby spoil its appearance)"

Anyway, i had the bar. Usually i love them, and savour my only eating-and-chewing moment of the day. This morning, however, i went through the motions. Previously i have found the toffe bars hard going, they are rather big and a sort of gloopy texture - its hard to get thought them. Yet today i finished it before i knew it.

After i had eaten it, and i mean immediately after the last chewing motion, i thought that i was going to go and get something else to eat. Not food, surprisingly, but another bar. I visualised myself going into my Lighterlife bag and getting another bar and eatng it. I imagined the peanut taste and the crunchy texture. I felt as though i was doing it. Eating it. I knew that i was going to go and do it.

i managed to stop myself. I don't know how. In hindsight i probably told myself, "You're not having it" or some such thing.

I was working at home today, and i had a meeting at 9 oclock. After the meeting i knew that i had another meeting at 11:30. So in-between the meetings i had a gap of 1 hour and 15 minutes. Guess what? Yes i did eat the bar.

Bizarrely i went to the cupboard in a marching fashion, as soon as i let the person out of my house. Taking the bar out of the bag, i felt very smug, very in control "I'll show YOU who's in charge!"

Marching into the front room i peeled off the wrapper as i went and took a bite en route. "There", i thought, "I've done it now!"

I imagined that by the time i got to the sofa that I'd feel guilty eating it. I didn't. I turned on the TV and ate the bar.

Half way through something happened. I can't get a grasp on what it was that happened, but i did want to stop eating the bar. My thought was, "You can't stop" (how strange to think that!) So i carried on eating a couple more nibbles. Half of it had now gone into my mouth and i pulled the wrapper back over it and lay it on the table thinking, "oh dear".

After watching TV for a few minutes I once again reached over and finished off the bar.

When you blow a diet, you have to learn to draw a line under it if you are to survive and continue. I told myself it will just have to be ok and i'll have to have a day with no bar now, in order to make it up. "that's the way it is and that's how its gonna have to be", I thought. And in response, "That's OK, I can do that".

All was still well in the Lighterlife house.

My second meeting came and went. The meeting was not good. On reflection i was too tired, and i did not back down on a point, and i think thats my part in why the meeting failed. I went back to my front room feeling bad about it, but ok.

I had time for a sleep before my afternoon meeting. Before i did that i got up and had an LL chocolate shake and added some fibre flakes to it so that it had some substance and was not just water. At last my stomach was feeling full. Such a nice feeling. Immediately i started to feel much better.

I did nap.
Then had my afternoon meeting.
Then had a cup of tea.

The caffiene did stir me into wakefulness, thankfully. I phoned my brother and we had a lovely chat. Talking about things and feelings and so on. We don't do that too often (talk like that, i mean, but we do talk often). He was very supportive and i was moved. I cried a little.

After our long phone conversation i noticed that i felt well, and optimistic again. I did some cleaning and then worked through the afternoon and evening. All evening i have been hungry. It has been extremely difficult to abstain from food. During that time i have also had a raspberry shake and, later, a vegetable soup. And i still feel hungy. I feel hungry now.

Also i couldn't face as much water, today. I've had 4.5 litres, that's all. Yesterday i bought water flavouring from the LL counsellor and WOW. When i've tasted it tonight it has really lit up my world. I now hav eenough zing to blog this page. I was going straight to bed, I'd had it with blogging today. But the 2 glasses of flavoured water has brought me back to life. It is so sweet and fruity. And it tastes quite similar to actual fruit. Whereas the bars, shakes and soups all have flvours, but the don't really tase like food. They just taste of the chemical foodpacks that they are. They are just packs of nutrition disguised as food. Whereas the water is similar to fruit. Halleluah! I love fruit. Oh, if only they could invent a Chargrilled Tuna fish with salad bar, we'd be laughing.

Read me tomorrow.