Day 14 of 183 days. 169 days to go.
Went to the LL group today and my weight loss was another 5lbs. Thats nice.
I asked the counsellor whether she would keep a weights convertor next to the scales, because every one of us just goes blank when she says our weight in kilo's.
with me i noticed last week that she was really expecting a gasp of surprise or delight. But the reading was meaningless, because its in a format i am not familiar with.
So, anyway, she produced a conversion chart in table format. Looking down it, i saw that my original weight was actually 14 stone 9lbs, not 14st 7lbs as she had told me.
So i did actually lose 7lbs last week (if you remember i thought it was only 5 after all) as i got down to 14st 1lb.
Today i am 13st 10lbs.
start weight: 14 st 9 lb
after week one of LL diet: 14 st 1lb - loss of 7lbs
after week two of LL diet: 13st 10lb. - loss of 5lbs.
As we turned up for the group meeting there were two new members again. (so much for the closed group, eh readers). Counsellor announced that this is the last week that anyone else will join the group because it is a closed group, and that now we will do some 'work' (i presumed that she meant therapy).
I perked up a bit at this statement.
during the day today i have been thinking of how many weeks i am going to bear it and keep going along before i switch to Cambridge Diet.
Cambridge Diet is cheaper (half of the price at £35-ish)
But wuth LighterLife, i thought that i would be doing therapy to resolve my eating behaviours. If the 'therapy' would have gone on the way that it had been going, i knew that it was a waste of my time and of my money. The groups had been chaotic, disorganised in dynamics and centred around getting everybodys foodpacks sorted out and taking payment. Well, i'd rather pay half price if i am going along just for that - and the cambridge diet counsellor wouldn't keep me there for 2 hours either!
However i am concerned about switching over to Cambridge because i think we can only have three packs per day, instead of 4. And those packs do not include the chocolate bars.
It is only because of having a bar a day that i am able to manage this. The soup meal in the evening helps also, but because it is a nic eevening event to sit and partake of. If the packs were all soup and shakes then soup wouldnt be a treat.
Additionally, someone told me that when you switch to the Cambridge Diet from Lighterlife, you do not lose any weight for that week.
I wonder, then, whether the Cambridge Diet is just a vlcd and you ose weight by starvation, rather than by ones body going into fat-burning mode of ketosis.
And another thing is that on the Cambrbidge Diet, there are loads of different stages of the diet, and most of them include real food. Even the food abstinence plan includes an Add-a-meal week. And i wonder whether i can manage that at this time, and whether i'd stop losing weight.
I do not want to take any risks that may jeapodise my weight loss. I know that this is about much more than losing the weight, but at this early stage, its essential that i do focus on weight loss because of the health risks and psychological damage related to being an obese person.
Even though the counselling group was useful tonight, i have come away from there extremely distressed at a level far beneath the surface.
I know this to be true because as i walked in the house i ate a bar and mixed a shake. And i was furious as i was eating them. And all night through Big Brother programs i hav ebeen hungry and craving and having urges to go and put something into my mouth - anything - just any kind of food. Ive had to really distract myself from that.
At the moment i have a hunch that what is going on is the way that the LighterLife Counsellor relates to me. I have a sense of her despising me sometimes, being scared of me other times, and wishing to harm me or humiliate me most of the time.
I do not believe that this is a crazy fantasy. I see it as this is what is happening between us at a covert level and i am feeling intense feelings about it as though it was on the overt level.
I know it is there but i do not know what it is about (i.e. what significance it has for my issues and the key to resolving them).
I know that therapists do hav elikes and dislikes of clients, and because they are human, they can have strong responses to people who are their clients. But the therapist has a job to do. And part of that job is to NOT act on those feelings.
I don't feel that i can trust her because of this.
I can take care of myself quite well, these days. I've had a lot of therapy and i treat myself well and look after me. And i can handle others too, without things exploding into a conflict situation.
So, the counsellor need not worry that i am going to attempt to hurt her, or to hurt myself (except by going home and eating!). She can relax.
I spent some time subtly putting her at ease covertly during our group meeting. Now as i say that out loud i feel repulsed and nauseaus.
I'm not doing that any more.
