16 of 183. 167 days to go.
Whats in the news lately?
Well, England are still in the world cup, Angelina Jolie had her baby in Namibia, Nicole Kidman is getting married this weekend.
Also, Paul McCartney has turned 64, and in response to the question, "Will you still love me when i'm 64?" the press seem to be having a sneaky little smirk at the fact that, since he and Heather Mills are divorcing, the answer is probably, "No". Or at least not how he imagined it to be at 64.
Today it is Ladies Day at Ascot. Last year the racing was at York because Ascot was being refurbished. I watched GMTV and Lorraine Kelly this morning, and i think i've seen enough hats for the year, now.
Ladies Day, well, sure its all fun, its all frivolous. Its all about dressing up and feeling glamorous, sexy and stunning. You can't do that when you're obese so theres no point going to events such as that one. I mean, how many women actually go to Ladies Day because they love horse racing? Do they go to the tracks during May, during September? I think not. Its the event isn't it? And to take part you have to look the part.
Still, it wont be long, at this rate, before I am able to glean some enjoyment from going out somewhere dressed up and feeling nice because i think that i look attractive. Nay, i may never be a size 10 again (dont want loose skin), but i look pretty good at a size 12 - or would look ok-ish at a 14.
Not long to go for that. 
I had a few hours this afternoon when i needed to get out to the bank, and get a couple of other things done. I decided to get some ham for my cats (they love cooked ham and beef - but not all of the time!). They are fed up with tuna, and i can't see me going to a supermarket for myself any time soon. I love my cats - it was worth a special trip.
Going into a supermarket was bizarre. Its like i realised that the real world still existed. People were pushing their trolleys about and gazing at the food, just like they always do. And inside i was saying to them "I'm not doing it - I'm not doing eating!".
There was something in my internal voice that sounded quite distressed. But i have to silence that part, somehow, or ignore it anyway. I'll soon be back. I shall soon be feeling food in my mouth. And doing normal things. Like eating.
I browsed around the clothing section, as i usually do when i go in to Asda (I always have a look, if not a buy). And it was weird. I found myself looking at the items in a different way.
No longer was i first checking that the item would actually fit me before i decided whether or not i liked it. No longer was i imagining how comfortable it would or wouldn't be to wear. No, I was looking at the items of clothing and appreciating their beauty and thinking, "would i wear this when i'm thin again? No. Oh well then, would i wear this? OOoooooh yeah!" And so on.
I guess its because i really believe - no i actually know - that i will become smaller and fit into nice clothes again in a size 12 or 14.
Fascinating!
I even wandered around a different shop - a small boutique selling jewellery and arty ornaments, etc. And i imagined myself with the jewellery around my neck, feeling my old self again.
I always used to dress nicely before. I think that stopped after i got beyond a size 14. It became more and more difficult to look decently attractive and presentable and then eventually, as i got bigger and into size 16's, then 18's and even once a size 20, attempting to look glamorous, or well groomed, or attractive was a waste of time. So i just got plain, comfortable and respectable clothes, in black or white.
I wish that i hadn't got this big.
I wish that someone would have told me about Lighterlife, and Cambridge diet before i got like this.
I could have done the cambridge diet because it is not exclusively a medical program - unlike LighterLife.
For LighterLife one needs a BMI of 29 or over.
For Cambridge Diet there are various ways of using the packs to make different diet plans. I've seen it all on their website and i feel a little overwhelmed by all of the information. I have read it, understand it (its straight forward) but i cannot remember it.
I did know about the cambridge diet, though.
I had been a selling agent for them in my early 20's.
Why didn't i remember it when i needed it?
Why didnt i just look it up on the internet or something?
WHY DIDNT I DO THAT?
i thought it wasn't still around - because i knew about everything, and had tried everything, but i never heard of or saw cambridge diet anywhere.
I know that i thought 'Slim fast' was the same thing - and it definately isnt.
I always have slim fast in the house.
Everytime a diet failed, whether it be healthy eating and exercise, weight watchers, Rosemary Conley, Atkins diet, Fasting and Detox holidays (three times!), Cabbage Soup diet, etc, etc, i would always binge out after the failure and vow to go on slimfast for weeks on end.
Of course, after a few days, or sometimes only one day, other times not even a whole day - i gave in. I just couldn't hav e3 slimfast shakes per day and nothing else.
Now i know why. They are carbohydrate, Cambridge and LighterLife are low carb.
With CD and LL one goes into Ketosis. The real ketosis - not the stuff that Atkins talks about.
And the fat just literlly burns away.
Why didnt i know this before?
Why did i spend the last 4 years in agony - dieting and failing, dieting and failing.
That did my self esteem no good at all, i can tell you. I just kept thinking that i was rubbish.
In actual fact, even though i hav espent years studying diets, i actually didnt know enough. I thought i did. I thought that i knew eveything about weightloss and diets.
I did not.
What i know now i shall never ever forget about.
I am NEVER going to suffer in the same way again. That agony of failure after failure is just a big black pit.
Now i know about ketosis and how to do it (i never actually got into ketosis with the Atkins diet) Unless 'they' do something such as ban or discontinue the diet formula packs - then i know that I will never suffer like that again because i will take the effective action to lose weight - the only thing that works.
