Day 21 of 183. 162 Days to go.

As i stepped on the scales, mid sentance, my counsellor said, "point seven".

I looked at her expectantly as she was writing down my weight, thinking to myself, "well, tell me then!". She reached for the tape measure (they measure after they weigh) and before she had a chance to wrap it around me i said, "what IS my weight?"

"Point seven" she said again, "I've got it down to point seven".

"It means nothing to me. What does it mean?"
"well, a kilo is 2.2 pounds so....here, here is a conversion chart".

As she thrust it onto my mitts i responded with, "Oh great you've done a photocopy for us all, thanks" and scanned my eyes over the tables of figures.

The tape measure went around me three times and it was all written down. I looked down at my tables of figures again.

"Oh, what do i actually weigh?" i said.
She pointed to the number that she had written on the page.
"Oh", i said, and looked more intensely at the tables of figures in the hope that a great mathematical ability would suddenly be endowed upon me.

Since i didn't move, she then went on, "See point seven. Thats about a pound"

Then she paused in a frozen half-crouch over her desk, as if not daring to let her eyes leave mine, and so not go back down to the paper that belonged to the pen in her hand.
I felt as though i was expected to say something, or at least have a reaction.

"Well, i havn't cheated" i said matter-of-factly, "I've read blogs, so i know what to expect". (i was thinking about when people had journaled the odd week of almost non-weight-loss even though they've done the program as usual - and for them there has usually been extra weight loss the following week and so it hasn't bothered people). "If it happens for three weeks on the row i wont be saying that though!" I swiftly added.

I did feel a little stunned as i took my seat in the group.

I noticed that one of the women looked a little different, her eyes were very red. Another woman was sitting very silently, not making eye contact and holding the booklet up to her face and covering her mouth with it.

It was all a little confusing. And i didn't dwell there. I had to write out on our list which packs i wanted for that week. So, taking my diary, with the prepared list of packs already done, i copied my request onto the list, and wrote out my cheque of £66.

We watched the DVD while the counsellor got all of our weeks supply of packs ready. Then we went forward with the counselling.

When it was my turn to speak i said that i had become aware during this session that i am dealing with two opposing forces.

One saying "GO ON! destroy yourself. It will be all right"
and the other one saying quite innocently, "Oh OK then! - and proceeding to go do just that.

Since i've been home i am sitting with this awareness of that. I know that its occupying my mind because i didnt really connect with the TV tonight.

Sleeping on things helps.
I trust my mind to keep working while i'm sleeping, and i will perhaps have more meaning to this, or will feel at ease and comfortable again.

so - blue box for my weight loss this week is coming right up. I am disapointed, but i am ok with it. I am trusting that this program DOES work and that next week the scales will show a loss of 3lb or more. I'll be very happy at that, as it will mean to me that i am still on track for losing good amounts of weight in the time allotted.

this weeks loss = 1lb.
Start Weight: 14 st 9
Weight today: 13 st 9

that is one stone in three weeks.
At this rate i will lose 3 stones in the 100 days of LL (14 weeks).
That is what i want.