Day 24 of 183. 159 days to go.

I am tired, but i can't sleep. Is it the heat? Its very hot tonight - we're in a heat wave. Or is it the caffiene i had today? (all before noon). Is it the diet?

I forgot to mention that i also have M.E. (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis). If you don't know what it is, look here (see links in blue box)

http://www.afme.org.uk/allaboutme.asp?table=contenttypetwo&id=1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome

I live a normal life. I dont give in to it. I am not willing to become vegetable-esque.

I do adapt to it though. I get tired and other things - i just rest/sleep when i need to within reason. Usually i do sleep during the daytime (for anything from 40 minutes to 2 hours) in addition to a full nights sleep. I usually do this anything from once or twice per week to five times per week.

Since i have been doing this diet (well, after the second week) i noticed that i haven't been sleeping during the middle of the day. I think that i have done it once or twice in the whole time (not including the first three days).

I feel very thin now. Probably because my stomach is empty and is getting a flatter appearence which improves every day. And i do feel more energetic and I feel lighter.

Tonight, though, when trying on some trousers to wear fro my graduation ceremony, i still could not fit into them. I caught sight of myself unexpectedly in the mirror as i was half undressed. I look very fat. My arms are so podgy. My face is that of a fatty. That space between stomach and bust reminds me of one of those novelty draght excluders that you sometimes find at other peoples draghty doors in the pleasing shape of a dashund.

I still have such a long way to go to even look half-decent.

I may never be able to be down to a size 12 again because of wanting to avoid being left with loose skin. As i held my arm while i yped, earlier, i thought that there was loose skin 'drapes' beginning to form. I am truly terrified of this.

Why on earth did i carry on putting weight on after i got to size 14? I could have reversed that.

Now i wonder.
Is my dreadful condition - ie. obesity - reversable?

As you may have worked out. I do feel quite down today. My hopes are deflated. My achievements thus far seem insignificant. My silouette is blob-ish. My dating prospects are .. well, i have to admit, things are not going to be the same as when i was in my 20's. I may have to lower my expectations.

I don't think that i can manage that. So i will probably end up alone. Like now.