Day 33 of 183. 150 days to go.
week five of the first phase (14 weeks) of LL, but week five of the 27 i have set myself in total. So 22 weeks to go.
Tonight i tried on some items that are laying in the corner of my dressing room. These are the things that i have bought, on a whim, without trying them on, and they have never fitted me. I didn't return them because i was only a couple of pounds away from fitting into them, and i thought that the current round of dieting would bring this about. Obviously it didn't (or i would have worn them, no?).
So, they range from size 18's down to size 14's. This pile is not the only 'stash' that i have. There is also another double wardrobe full. On the hanging rails of the wardrobe are size 14's, about half of which ...no, probably about a quarter of which, i have worn, even if only once (before i got to big to fit into them. Then on the floor of that wardrobe, is another huge pile of size 16's and some 14's, that i have, yet again, never worn.
I have to mention, that these are not expensive clothes. They were bargain things that were already in very cheap shops. And when they were full price, they were probably only a few pounds (less than £10 for tops and less than £15 or £20 for trousers and skirts).
The size 14's on the rail, however, are of a slightly better quality. That's because when i bought those, i was actually a size 14, or just on the verge of coming out of a size 14. And, because i had not long before then been a size 12 (it all happened quick you see) i was still mentally shopping in nice shops. Well, not designer, or anything, but probably the mid-range high street. For example, Warehouse, Kit (catalogue), Wallis, Principles, etc.
When i was a size 10 i would buy better clothes, even than that, e.g. Karen Millen and Kalico, Planet and East, etc, and various fashion houses in House of Fraser, John Lewis, etc. For example, bits and pieces that designers would design especially for their store, etc.
When i was a size 8, i realise now, in fact, just now, as i write this to you, reader, that i bought better clothes, still. I went to Hobbs, Flannels, Ted Baker, Nicole Farhi, Escada, etc, etc. I even have a gorgeous Gucci skirt suit in white - wow, its to die for. And, yes i have worn it quite a few times!
So, i spend more on clothing the smaller in size i am, do i? Hmmm. Is that because i believe that i deserve it more when i'm thinner? Is it that i believe that this is the real me, and those other 'fatter me's' are not really real, they are merely temporary?
These days, as mentioned before, I shop at Asda, Select, & Bon Marche, for clothes, when i do bother to get anything - usually because i have to go to a conference, or a social event, or some such thing - or because my usual 'uniform' - i.e. the things that currently fit me and are the most flattering - have worn out, torn, become faded, snagged or whatever.
So, in the 6 double wardrobes that are housed in my dressing room, clothes sit and sit. One wardrobe i have described already. Another wardrobe is for coats and jackets. In there are also some size 14's. These are very good quality size 14's, that i have never worn, but they were bought in car boot sales, or from ebay. They are mostly designer labels or good quality fabrics, etc.
In the other wardrobes sit my size 10 and size 8 clothes. They've been there for six years untouched. There are no size 12's.
Additionally, i have a stand-alone-rail of garments in the spare room in the attic, and these are size 16's. They are mostly cheap clothes from the cheap shops aforementioned. I was actually a size 16 for quite some time, probably for the last 3 years, on and off (ocillating between a 16 and 18).
These clothes are very familiar. I wear them a lot when i am a size 16.
You may, or may not, have noticed that there are no size 12 clothes. This is probably because at size 12 i was heavily into the beginnings of the denial. I recall, now, that i went away for about 5 days, five years ago. During that time there was a black tie ball, and a couple of parties.
Because, by then, i had been putting on weight for about one year, i could not wear any of the clothes that i had in my wardrobes. The clothes were all size 8 and 10. I had been weighing between 7 stone 10 to about eight stone 12 in my life. Just before that going-away-event, i had been at my lowest ever weight, of 7 stone 10.
Then after that first year of weight gain, as the time came to decide what to pack to take away with me, i weighed about 9 stone 7 or there abouts. So, in the first year, almost two stones was gained. Hurriedly, i dashed out to the shops and bought clothes to fit. I bought size 12 jeans, tops and, of course, a ball gown.
When i entered the shop, i saw the ball gown that i had bought some two years previously, was still for sale, but in slightly different colours and styles.
I asked the assistant to select that same dress, the size 12. And as I did so, i said, "I already have this in the smaller size, but i've gained weight now and so i know this will suit me". I laughed as i said it.
The assistant looked astonished, but tried extremely hard not to show any reaction at all. I have no idea what she was thinking. Her face hardly moved. I must have picked up on the micro-movements (that they refer to on Big Brothers Big Brain) as well as the awful feeling of shame that i felt during the stony silence that hung where a response was expected.
The dress looked fine, i looked fine. Everything i wore during the whole five days was fine. I can dress very carefully to flatter and disguise any flaw. I was comfortable with my self during the time there and i behaved as normal. I was sociable and involved in others, rather than being preoccupied with myself (self-conscious).
At that time i knew that i would 'get by' this event quite comfortably, and that once home i would 'sort it out' (meaning get rid of the excess weight and get back to 'myself').
So, of course, i did not bother ever buying anymore size 12 clothes. When the time came that i could not even fit into the few size 12's that i had, i stopped going out.
My reasoning was thus, "I'll have to stop, i will have to refuse these invitaions, i just can't go. - When i am back to normal i can resume my social life and everything will be alright".
It never was alright.
I do not know why, but i didn't go on a formal diet plan. Admittedly, i was actually 'not myself' emotionally or psychologically. A lot of things had happened to me over the years preceding all of this, and i think that, now with the benefit of hindsight, it all hit me real hard, once i was back home on my own (my partnership had just ended, we were supposed to marry, but in the end, it didn't happen).
At the time, i had thought that it was normal grief that i was dealing with. You know, the kind that everyone feels when a relationship with somebody that they love, ends. Added to that, the fact that i didn't want the relationship to end at all, and that he was adamant that he did want it to end, and that he gave no explanation, gave a little shock to deal with as well as managing the sorrow of lost hopes and expectations.
But there were other factors too, that i didn't really account for, at that time. I had incurred a massive financial loss, just 6 months after the ending of the relationship, due to bad judgement on my part. And, I was in the process of an expensive re-training for my current career (the one i've just graduated in). Additionally, i now know that i hadn't dealt with some other demons from the past. Wow, i tell you, they sure came up to haunt me then!
I was a wreck, but i didn't know it!
I was doing fine, i thought. Iwas certainly functioning (i.e. doing normal things like getting up, washed, dressed, studying, etc). Yet i can now see that my functioning was only partial. My social life dwindled, as did relationships with my family members. I was spending a lot of time of the internet, on forums and the like, and i was also watching a LOT of TV. I found the TV calming. Obviously i was also doing a lot of eating! I found that calming too, and it helped me to sleep as well as helping me to remain a straight thinking rational person.
Originally i said to myself that i would have 6 months off to recover. After one year i was actually worse. (But i thought that i was doing well). I thought that i had a life. i continued like this.
I continued, actually for the next 2 years, in this way. By then i was weighing in at around 12 stone, i should think.
It was only when my brother announced that he was having a wedding, that i reaslised that i would HAVE TO see people again.
My mother and i went to weightwatchers. She lost weight, i did not. Then, as i was happily struggling along to work out why this wasn't working (and still doing the weight watchers diet, i may add) i got burgled at home. My house was a little shaken and broken, but nothing too drastically.
Although i had felt relief that it could have been much, much worse, i did, at that point, begin to get more hermit-like. Again, i didn't notice the change in my behaviours/attitude. Nobody who knows me noticed. They hadn't been seeing me anyway. They had gone away with their excuses that i had given them, time after time, and finally more-or-less left me to it.
Nobody knew what was happening to me.
Except my therapist.
Oh yes, i was in therapy. Psychotherapy.
I'm not totally stupid!
I knew that there were serious problems afoot that i needed to deal with and resolve and move on and repair myself and my life. I'd been in therapy for about 2 years in total by this time.
i won't go into why i think the therapy didn't work.
I will say that i trusted a therapist when she took me on, that she'd deal with my stuff and help me. For various reasons the therapist let me down. Eventually i left there and receeded further.
On a lighter note, i am now recently having therapy again (about the last 2 years) and it is working this time.
So, we are no going to zoom up to the present day, reader. As i write i do not know whether to leave this written, or to delete this page before i post it into the blog.
It is very revealing.
Its obvious, also, that you will not be laughing your way through this post. You just might find it a litle dark for your liking. I make no apologies. NO excuses. Thats no good. Either i post it for you to see, or i don't. Hmmmm.
Today somebody told me that it is a full moon.
Does that mean anything?
As i think about deleting this post, i know that i don't want to. I'm going to post it.
On a lighter note, then, tonight i had a trying-on session of clothes. I have now a couple of things more that fit me and look nice. I'm delighted. Those things, of course, did not fit when i first started LL. Even last week they did not fit.
I wonder how much weight i have lost, then, this week. Last week was 3lbs. This week i am guessing about another 2.5 or 3lbs. Of course, it could only be a pound - or less even - i know that there sometimes is an incongruity between the loss registered on the scales and that felt through clothing. Tomorrow night is weigh in night. Lets see, then.
I find it terribly exciting. All of this clothes trying on. 
Its like i have a whole clothing store in my house and i can have it all. Hey, you know, its great motivation to continue going on LL and to continue losing weight. I guess now is the time, for me, that it really starts to get interesting.
And delightful, and lovely, and wonderful and exciting 
