day 26 of 183. 157 days to go.

I love the summer.
It's ten past ten in the evening and I'm padding about in just short shorts and a vest top and bare feet. The windows are open and the doors are too. It's lovely and warm. I find that so relaxing.

Today i havent had a soup, yet again. I had my bar mid morning, then my first shake at about 1-30 then tonight i've had a chocolate mousse made from the LL packs while nursing the remaining 3 litres of water that i still have to take.

I couldn't drink it earlier because i had an appointment for my nails at 2pm, and then i had work after that until 8pm.

It was about April time when i decided to start having my nails done regularly. I had them done for the conference in which i sat my exams, and because i got on with them just fine, decided to keep renewing the treatment (the Cal-crystal acrylic stuff over your own nails and coloured like a french manicure).

I decided that i was worth it, since i have no other pampering treats except my hair colour retouch every 7 weeks. They do help me to feel better about myself. Or should i say, they do remind me that i am of worth.

So far i have been able to afford it, financially, ok. It works out at £25 per visit and i go every 18-21 days. The special top coat at £8 per bottle helps disguise the growth. So, its about £10-£12 per week, isn't it? A lot of people spend that on a bottle of wine or two per week, perhaps. I don't drink on this diet, and anyway i don't drink when i'm not on it.

I used to spend money on food treats for my stuffing binges. Spending money on that is ridiculous because it's hurting me. Spending money on my nails is a positive thing to do in comparison, i suppose.

I do wish money wasn't so tight.
I never go out, except to friends and other free or cheap stuff.
i dont smoke, i don't drink, I dont buy clothes. I don't do expensive sports or pay a gym membership fee.
My treats are my nails and my sky TV.

Now that i have passed my exams and will be awarded with an MSc, as well as gaining a special 'industry specific' accreditation (a bit like an accountant becomes chartered) i do have an option for opportunity to enhance my earnings, that has opened up to me.

Funnily enough, at the same time, another opportunity to make money has 'appeared' at the same time.

The first opportunity (the one that i had anticipated happening as soon as i got to this position professionally) has to be generated solely by me. It will take a lot of time out of each week to build up and take a lot of time to begin reaping benefits. Additionally, it is not a guaranteed successful outcome of increased earnings, but rather is likely to increase my earnings slowly over time, and for always. It will enhance my professional status, thereby earning me more respect in my field and a long and satisfying professional life.

The second opportunity, by contrast, will not particularly enhance my professional status, but rather, is likely to ever-so-slightly demote my standing within our field, really. The temptation, however, is that there is potential for much money to be made for relatively litle financial outlay (so minimal financial risk). Moreover, the idea would loosly follow a tried-and-tested business plan. One that is extremely simple and straightforward, and unlikely to fail.

The first opportunity will take a lot of time, a lot of sweat, and a lot of strength (as at first i may have to endure being rebuffed).

The second opportunity will be a few thousand pounds outlay, which can be put on a credit card, or a loan. And will involve minimal setting up time. The results will be within weeks or months and those results have the possibility of increasing rapidy within a couple of years, too.

Do i go for the money, or do i stay with my integrity?

I know one other person who came out of my field when she was roughly just over half way through the 7.5 years of training. And just before you go into the preparation for the preparation of the exam (if that makes sense!) She stopped her training and instead, took the route 2 that i am telling you about, in the second opportunity, written above.

She never got to that point of consolidating and deepening her learnings in our field. She never enriched her mastery of the field. She never prepared for the exam (an 18 month process because of its rules). And this exam preparation that I speak of, and its subsequent passing, is genuinely like a 'coming of age' or an 'initiation', no....more than that, a passage of some kind, i cannot find the correct phrase.

After five years of training there is the year of preparation for exam, and couple of years pre-exam work/study and then the actual exam process of 18 months is the time when trainees are under so much pressure to perform and conform and search for meaning in the discipline that we study, and to produce various projects and so on to demonstrate that you do apply the concepts in the most meaningful and thoughtful, effective and ethical way in ANY situation (and people and their situations are unique!). It is such an opportunity, finally to say, "I made it!" "I know that i'm up there". And afterwards, a lot of fuss is made of the people who pass each year at the conference. Such applause and recogntion and respect from all those seeking to go where you now are, and all of those gone before, and all of those professors and trainers etc, is just amazing. It is marvellous. And i think it is done for a reason, i.e. helping you realise the enormity of what you've done and what you've achieved.

I'm sure that those of you out there who have professions or specialised vocations do know what i'm talking about, as you probably did such a journey yourself.

So, throughout that journey it really starts to come together. It is the most difficult, the most fascnating and ultimately the most rewarding time of the entire study journey. Your understanding, ability, knowledge, expertise, mastery continues to deepen and deepen all of the way through the pre-prep process and the prep process and the exam-process itself. This is not easy - growing pains is an understatement! Then you do go to the final exam and if you pass, wow!

Suddenly the world makes sense.
The field makes sense.
Life makes sense.

When i first met my collegue, the one above, who dropped out to pursue opportunity number two, the first thought that i had was, "You sold out".

Then, after that, i thought, "You didn't make it. You have missed out on so much". "You'll never know some of the things that i know, and that i would not wish to un-know for the world".

When we met, she did say that she would one day go back and complete the process. She might. Even though she's earning about sixty thousand pounds more than me per year, she might?

As you have guessed, it is this 'sold out' colleague that has shown this opportunity number two to me. Before i bumped into her i did not know that opportunity number 2 existed.

Now i do know. Now i have seen it. Now i have seen how much money can be made (even though she does work at least double the hours that i work - i would actually work more hours if i could get the work).

What shall i do with this temptation? :?:
Eat it?
Dance with it?
Blow fire on it?
Rubbish it?
Worship it?

At the moment i am singing it to you.
A very enchanting song.
Can i make it my tune?
Or will i always feel like Donny Osmond did after recording 'Puppy Love' when the family aspirations and abilities were those of 'serious' rock musicians? :oops: disapointed, slightly embarrassed in some circles (because of selling out) and ultimately annoyed because the thing shadows your professional reputation forever? U-(

Earlier i heard something funny on TV.
The guy who hosts a program that i do not watch, 'eight out of 10 cats' - i guess he's a comedian - was interviewed.
When asked, "How do you like to relax?"
He replied, "I put empty Smarties tubes on my cats legs to make them walk about like robots"

Heh heh. :)):)) To think this is funny, i think you have to love cats. :)):))