Lighterlife. Deters Drastic Dieting Diaries

Yes - i am still on the diet.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 21:53:55 +0200

Well, my lovely new boss...
- did i tell you i got a new job since last summers miserable time of writing this blog (see previous entries)
Yeah - well i finally went for the thing that i was discussing and decided that i probably was selling out a little, but figured did i want to be that pure anyway?
Since i let go of a little professional seriousness and intensity i have felt lots happier all round.

Anyway, my lovely new boss caused a bit of a catasrophie today at work, which is very unusual. So, it meant i had to stay and sort it out and couldnt get to see Vauna, my cambridge diet counsellor.

I couldnt be weighed to see how much i had lost, - dissapointed hugely. And, worse, i couldnt go and get more suppies of the diet.

However, that fantastic woman has taken my packs home with her and i am picking them up from her house on thursday. What a relief.

So, the diet continues.

Good, because i am in the right frame of mind.

I wanna be thin again, I wanna be thin again, I wanna be thin again, I wanna be thin again, I wanna be thin again, I wanna be thin again, I wanna be thin again, I wanna be thin again, .......

Comments

OK - I am back on the diet!

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 10:35:07 +0200

I have been off the diet for ages now - and fed up with getting nowhere again.

So, i went to a Cambridge Diet counsellor in Nottingham. She explained how it all worked, which is the same (diet wise, but not therapy wise) as Lighterlife.

I did it for 10 days. Then i had a family upset. Silly really. I started to overeat again, big style. I wasnt particularly enjoying it, but it was making me relaxed and able to sleep.

Anyway- after about a week of eating, I have now been back on the Cambridge Diet for 5 days. Vauna, the counsellor, was very good with me. She helped me to get back on track by keeping in touch with me by email - and that has been essential. I would have normally been so ashamed that i wouldnt dare to go back.

But she said that its ok because its not uncommon to go on and off before really doing it for good. (However, she did assure me that those sickening people who suceed first time also do really exist - but they may have failed loads of other times on other diets)

- oops, i am not supposed to say 'failed', Vauna says there is no failure, only feedback - in other words,
be honest with yourself and acknowledge what has happened (the feedback) i.e. eating very un-diet foods in very un-healthy amounts. And then ask yourself, "what do i learn from that?" (using the feedback in a positive way, rather than to feel hopeless and dissapointed)

Obviosuly the answer is that i learned that i was unhappy because i wasnt still on the diet and continuing to lose weight and feel good. (you do feel amazingly great on the cambridge diet, - very energetic, light, optimistic, and awake!)

I learned that i was really missing thoes great feelings, and i was not getting as much done (on the diet, you start to get loads done in life because you have more energy, and because you dont need to rest after a meal, A diet meal just takes a few minutes and then you're back to getting on with your life - and you're not spending hours shopping for food, preparing it, cooking it, eating it, washing the pots or loading the dishwasher and tidying up! Its fab!)

so i learned that i was unhappy because i had lost those good feelings, and dissapointed because i had let my goal slip from my grasp again.

Vauna said, "It doesnt matter how many times you try, what does matter is that you never stop - you keep going - and then you WILL get there," She said, "No other outcome is possible if you keep going, is it?"

Can't argue with that one can you? Obvious really. Made it simple for me - all i have to do is just keep going. If I Err, or slip up - she said, "Just draw a line under it, and STAY ON THE PATH OF YOUR GOAL - so just keep going, do not say to yourself that you have stopped the diet - say that you are still on it, and CARRY ON"

Works for me!

She even said, "Do not put the diet away out of sight - keep it in the place that you normally keep it for convenient daily use - if your long term goal is to lose all the weight that you dream of and lose it with this method that is already working, then keep the diet in its place so that it is still convenient for daily use - and keep using it daily, no matter what happens"

I hadn't still used the diet as well as eating - i must confess that i did not move the diet packs, but i just didnt open that cupboard!!!
So now i HAVE moved them and i have put them in a cupboard that i have to open anyway. When i see them, i am going to have three per day even if i am eating (which i hope i will not) and when i am dieting i am going to have my three packs as normal.

I know you might be thinking that i am setting myself up for failure by saying 'when i'm eating' - as if i am almost planning that there will be times that i am eating - maybe I am planning that? Well, i do know one thing, when i have done it before, i have always said i will 'Never' eat throughout the whole program of weight loss (apart from the add-a-meal week when you are supposed to eat something) - and you know what? Saying 'never' didnt work for me.

Vauna said "If what you are doing isnt working, don't do more of the same, but do something else instead"

So, how much do i weigh?

I'm not telling you that just yet.

Have i put all the weight back on that i lost?

Nope.

Have i put some back on?

Yep.

Quite a lot?

Yep.

will i get it off?

Yep.

Will i tell you what i weigh?

Yes i will, - i will tell you after one month.

Hows that?

Comments

50 / 183. CLEVER STRATEGY PLUS KEEN ENDURANCE LEADS TO THE PRIZE

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 00:09:24 +0200

Day 50 of 183. 134 days to go.
end of week 7 and 7 weeks to go.

HALF WAY THROUGH

friday.

Ah at last, i am half way through the first phase of LL's 100 day commitment, in which i have been guaranteed to lose 3 stones.

I have so far lost 24 lbs, or 1 stone 10 lbs.
so to make the 3 stones, i have 1 stone and 4lbs to lose - and seven more weeks to go to do it in.

Big brother was terrific tonight.
Pete (Pete Bennet of "Daddy Fantastic" you know, the guy with Tourettes) was soooooooo funny.
He was making a plea to be let out of the big brother prison and he really made a funny show of it.

I was drinking a glass of sparkling water at the time, while sitting in bed watching the only telley that isnt connected to Sky and is therefore out-of-action during the refurbishment here, and the display that he made was such a surprise, and so hilarious that the water nearly went everywhere!

Even his fellow housemates (the guards) were in fits of giggles watching it on their plasma screen, and could hardly speak.

Well done Pete, you've marked this day very nicely, thank you

PETE TO WIN!!!!!

Actually hes a smart guy.
When the prisoners were told that one of them would have to go back to the house next door, (back to monotony and boredom, from the fun and luxury of the secret rooms in the prison house) he said that he was unhappy in the luxury because it was 'materialistic' and that he would like to go back over to the side where the guards were living, knowing that it was boring, hard work, and monotonous.

Additionally, he knew that he would forfeit his letter from home that they had been promised should they manage to keep the secret luxury rooms a secret from the other housemates who were guards.

However, by sacrificing himself in this way, he knows that is another notch on the post for securing public approval and respect.

This is a show, we must be reminded, that is a competition around who can stay in the house the longest, and not be voted out as undesirable by the public.

The final occupant of the house recieves a prize of one hundred thousand pounds!

Pete, therefore, has outsmarted his fellow contestants, during this event, in that he realised that no amount of luxury and fun in the present inside the Big Brother house can ever be worth more than the hundred grand!!!!

Smart, smart, lad.
He, presumably went into the house willing to endure anything and everything possible, along with being as amusing, likeable and interesting as he can be, in order that he might win the money.

He has never taken his eye off the prize.
Good for him.

I have always backed him from the moment that he sumersaulted around the crowd, gathered to witness the housemates entrances.

I back him now even more.

Good for you Pete.

GIVE HIM THE MONEY AND LETS SEE A LOT MORE OF HIM ON TV.

Comments

49 / 183. Stats, stats, stats, and what I make of them.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 00:46:25 +0200

Day 49 of 183. 134 days to go.

Wednesday.

WOW, tomorrow, at day 50, i am half way through the first LL phase of 100 days. Thats incredible.

It was weigh in day yesterday.
i lost about 3lbs.
So, at the end of week 7 i weighed 81.8 kg.

here are my weight stats for the whole of LL program so far:

week 0....weight- 14st 9lbs.....start weight
week 1....weigth- 14st 1lb......weight loss - 8lbs
week 2....weight- 13st 10lbs....weight loss - 5lbs
week 3....weight- 13st 9lbs.....weight loss - 1lb
week 4....weight- 13st 6lbs.....weight loss - 3lbs
week 5....weight- 13st 3lbs.....weight loss - 3lbs
week 6....weight- 13st 2lbs.....weight loss – 1lb
week 7....weight- 12st 13lbs....weight loss – 3lbs

I'm pleased with that.
For the whole of the seven weeks, i have lost 24lbs.
that means an average of about three and a half punds per week.

However, because the first two weeks were big losses, and will not happen again, lets do the average without them, based on the stats that we have for the last 5 weeks.

It worls out that over the last 5 weeks, i have lost 11lbs. So that is 2.2 lbs per week.

This helps me to project my future weight losses.
I can, using that average, see how long it will take me to lose the whole of the 6 stones, if i continue to do this diet in exactly the same way.

6 stones is equal to 84lbs.
i have already lost 24lbs of that 84lbs, and so i need to lose a further 70lbs.
70lbs to lose at an average of 2.2 lbs per week, is 31.8
So that means that it will take me 31.8 weeks to lose the remaining 70lbs.

we have 22 weeks left to the end of the year.
That leaves almost 10 weeks left, from which to take out of the following year, 2007.
That date would be 7th March 2007.
to lose the remaining 70lbs then, at this rate, will take me until 7th March.

hmmmm.
I had planned on losing the 6 stones in 6 months, as you know.
6 months takes me to 7th December.

It is actually going to take me 9 months - 3 months longer.

Of course - all things are not going to stay exactly the same, however.

For instance, once the temperature cools enough to exercise, i shall be exercising regularly. So that will increase my weight loss (i hope and expect).

But, on the other hand, for how long am i going to continue with the food plan like this, i.e. with no food at all, but with just three liquid packs and one bar per day?
Certainly not until right to the end, thats for sure.

I have to introduce food at some point.

And, if i were to go onto the cambridge diet, they let you take just the packs at first, but then, you are meant to do an add-a-meal week, for every month, i think.

I do feel concerned.

what will happen?
I'd really like to think that i could rely on some knowledge of what is going to happen.

That way i could at the very least, settle into resignation that, yes it is going to take X amount of time to lose the remaining 70lbs.
Or, i could decide something different (i don't know what!!! i seem to be drawing a blank at other topions at the moment)

It seems, then, that i'd like to know so that i can project the figures forward and this will provide me with some comfort, rather than the agitated feeling that i now have.

I'd rather be thin than comfortable, though.

I want to do what i can to increase the average weight loss.

At an increase of just 1lb per week means that the average will be 3.2lbs per week. And this means that losing the 70lbs will take 21.8 weeks, instead of the 31.8 weeks to lose it at an average of 2.2 lbs per week.
21.8 weeks takes me up to Chirstmas day exactly.

WOW, what a difference.

I must increase my weight loss average.
And i must start doing that now.
Because for every week that it stays like this, means that it will take an even higher average per week to lose the 70lbs in time for christmas.

at an average of 3.7lbs per week, (.5lbs per week more that the increased average of 3.2lbs per week) then it will only take 19 weeks to lose the further 70lbs!
That would take me to exactly december 6th - which is the 6 month mark from the day that i began.

[sigh]
It means then that i have to increase my average weight loss up to 3.7lbs per week, starting from this week.
an extra one and a half pounds must be lost, every single week, on top of my usual meagre losses, until december when i finish.

Oh dear.
How will i accomplish this?
i don't know.

Obviously i can't reduce my calories further because i'm already only taking 420 calories per day.

So do i increase the rate of ketosis?
That is an idea.
Can it be done?
I don't know.
How might i do it if it could be done?
1) by drinking more water, and drinking it all throughout the day, rather than mainly in the evening.
2) making sure that i have nothing AT ALL that may jeapodise my ketosis state. So no extra herbs in my soups.

Does the mix-a-mousse slow down ketosis, i wonder?
I have one scoop per day, most days. (Cambridge diet say you can have one scoop per day, but no more).

It is reported on the discovery health board (forum) that some say that caffiene slows down ketosis.
Well, i do drink a lot of caffiene.
Because of having M.E. i sometimes need, or want, to stay awake.

Oh, and my LL counsellor emailed LL head office about that and the official response was that people with M.E. shouldn't lose weight any slower than other people unless they are on medication (which i am not).

3) do exercise.
Obviously exercise will burn up the meagre calories that i am consuming, which will help me to lose greater amounts of weight.

Roll on cooler weather!

I need to do what i can, though, exercise wise, and be more active generally, as well as introduce some formal exercise.
I shall start going on walks, at least.

Tomorrow i cannot because i'm working 12 hours and i will be with people.
But friday, saturday and sunday, and monday i can.
And will.

Comments

Still sharing with you that which i am finding out....

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 00:40:06 +0200

Food has been described as ambrosia and the elixir if life. For some, eating is a biological necessity for others it is a passion that can turn into an obsession. Experts define food addiction to be a disorder where the addict is preoccupied with food, the availability of food, and the pleasure of eating.

There are three recognized addictions:

1) Anorexia.

2) Bulimia

3) Overeating, where the addict has no control over the amount or the number of times he eats. The person has no concept of being overweight or the servings a person must eat normally. Being an overeater, the addict will indulge in uncontrolled eating binges. Being obese, the addict will be prone to hypertension, diabetes, heart diseases, arthritis, and cancer.

The most common health problems are obesity, alcoholism, diabetes, bulimia, food allergies, and food intolerance.

The signs that you are addicted to food are:

- Uncontrolled cravings for particular foods. Some are addicted to sweets, others to soft drinks, yet others to coffee.

- Continuous or frequent eating. No fixed meal times an addict will eat throughout the day.

- Sharpened hunger on consumption of specific foods.

- Anxiety attacks, feelings of nervousness, low sugar, a headache, stomach gripes and grumbles.

- Withdrawal symptoms.

- Fatigue.

- Extreme irritations.

- Intolerance to foods.

- Feelings of guilt at having eaten.

The very cornerstones to curing the addiction are to:

- Identify and avoid what are known to be trigger foods or drinks.

- Put into practice a diet that is nutrient rich, healthy, and helps maintain or loose weight.

- Make lifestyle changes. Adopt a healthier lifestyle and include plenty of fresh air as well as exercise.

- Focus on personal and spiritual development. Seek inner peace, calm, and joy. Practice meditation and deep breathing.

- Plan to have activity filled days to distract the mind from food.

Deters comment:
Good advice?
Sure, i think so.

very practical advice there.
Good to aim for living that way during the maintainance stage (i.e. onece the addiction been disempowered)

The last one is a very cognitive approach, and we all know that mind-over-matter techniques just dont hold under stress, don't we? But good little techique to be able to use once we are better and recovered and maintaining.

P.S. Sorry i cant remember where i read this, if you find the reference let me know and i will gladly add it.

Comments

The 12 Types of Emotional Hunger

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 15:34:05 +0200

"The 12 Types of Emotional Hunger." By Roger Gould, M.D.

Below are the 12 types of emotional hunger that fuel Emotional Eating. As you read through the list, ask yourself how many of these apply to you and your life.

Type 1. Dulling The Pain With The Food Trance.

If you get really hungry when you feel angry, depressed, anxious, bored, or lonely, you suffer from Type 1 emotional hunger, and you use food to dull the pain that these emotions cause.

Type 2. Sticks And Stones May Break Your Bones, But Cake Won't Heal What Hurts You.

If you react by getting hungry when others talk down to you, take advantage of you, belittle you or take you for granted, then you suffer from Type 2 emotional hunger. You eat to avoid confrontation.

Type 3. A Full Heart Fills An Empty Belly.

If you crave food when you have tension in your close relationships, you suffer from Type 3 emotional hunger. You eat to avoid feeling the pain of rejection or anger.

Type 4. Hate Yourself, Love Your Munchies.

If you tend to become hypercritical of yourself, if you label yourself "stupid, "lazy," or "a loser," you have Type 4 emotional hunger. You eat to "stuff down" self-hatred.

Type 5. Secret Desires Have No Calories.

If your hunger gets activated because your intimate relationships don't satisfy some basic need like trust or security, you suffer from Type 5 emotional hunger and you use food to try to fill the gap.

Type 6. Forty Million Big Gulps And The Well Is Still Empty.

If you eat to make up for the deprivation you experienced as a child, you have Type 6 Emotional Eating.

Type 7. It's My Pastry, and I'll Eat If I Want To.

If you eat to assert your independence because you don't want anyone telling you what to do, you have Type 7 emotional hunger.

Type 8. I Can't Come To Work Today--I'm Eating

If your appetite kicks in when you're faced with new challenges--if you use food to avoid rising to the test, or to insulate yourself from the fear of failure--you have Type 8 emotional hunger.

Type 9. Aroused by Aromas, Not by the Chef.

If you stuff your face in order to avoid your sexuality-either to stay overweight so that nobody desires you or to hide from intimate encounters--you suffer from Type 9 Emotional Eating.

Type 10. I'll Beat You With this Eclair.

Emotional eaters often eat to pay back those who have hurt them, often in the distant past. They use their bodies as battlegrounds for working out old resentments.

Type 11. Peter Pan and the Peanut Butter Cookie.

If you eat to make yourself feel carefree, like a child, you have Type 11 emotional hunger. You eat to keep yourself from facing the challenges of growing up.

Type 12. That Stranger In Lycra Wearing Your Face.

If you overeat because you fear getting thin, either consciously or unconsciously, you have Type 12 emotional hunger.

Comments

Common theme in addiction treatment and recovery?

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 01:15:09 +0200

I've been looking on amazon at books for addiction recovery / treatment.

Through books discussing the aetiology of addictions, it seems that there is a theme of something being wrong in the area of attachment for the addicted person.

take this book forinstance, 'Creating the Capacity for Attachment: Treating Addictions and the Alienated Self'
by Karen Walant

The book synopis includes this...
"Detached, alienated people, many of them functioning with a pathologically developed false self, barely navigate life's challenges. Our cultural emphasis on autonomy and separateness has led to a retreat from valuing interpersonal, communal dependence and has greatly contributed to a rise in the number of people whose suffering is often expressed in addictions..."

I am buying some of these books.

Comments

Addiction recovery - in detail

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 23:50:23 +0200

Here are three bits of articles lifted off the net - they are referenced. Enjoy

Addiction Recovery
by: Mary F. Zesiewicz, MD

Addictions are pervasive in our culture. Addictive habits are forms of dependence. They are habits- performed time after time- done so often, they are performed in involuntary or compulsive fashion.

Ask any addict how hard it is to break a habit. One reason these habits are so hard to break is the physiological basis for addiction. Diana Schwarzbein, MD, does a stellar job in articulating these physiological mechanisms in “The Schwarzbein Principle”.(Diana Schwarzbein, MD, Nancy Deville, Health Communications, Deerfield Beach, FL,1999)

Addictions and brain chemicals

Many substances that people are prone to become dependent on tend to lower serotonin levels in the brain. Examples include high glycemic carbohydrates, alcohol, and street drugs, such as methamphetamines and cocaine; even stimulants like caffeine results in lowered serotonin in the brain. Lowered serotonin, as we know, leads to depression and the tendency to increase craving.

Why reach repeatedly for the addictive problem?

Typically we seek what is easy and what is available to us. If alcohol isn’t available, we will reach for chocolate. Or, we will resume smoking, if we quit years ago.

Then what happens?

All these compulsive habits do initially cause a rush of serotonin. The initial rush of serotonin is followed by a serotonin depletion that we know as depression. Addicts are no longer able to naturally support the rush of serotonin and the subsequent serotonin drop. It is at this point, addicts really “crash”-they hit “rock bottom” and often face hopelessness and despondency.

Addictive personalities?

So no matter what the addiction, if we do not get off that physiological roller coaster, we will simply substitute one addiction for another.

And how do we get off this roller coaster?

A proactive total commitment to health and recovery is the only way.

Use all aspects to recover

Physiologically,...
...the need to infuse the body with a balanced set of nutrients is essential.

Balance in intake of proteins, fats and carbohydrates is essential. However, the carbohydrates need to be “good” carbs- the ones found in starchy vegetables like peas, corn, leeks, lima beans, turnips and the like; legumes such as beans and grains in their natural state, yogurt and most fruits. Breads should be eaten sparingly, and crackers, which contain hydrogenated fats, are best avoided altogether.

Fast foods are best avoided altogether. So are gravies and ketchup. So are processed snack foods like chips and pizza. Sugar pastries and desserts are out as well.

The more foods we can eat in the natural state the better. That means fresh, organic produce. Also, our meats need to be lean and be free of injected chemicals as well. If you notice, a lot more of our larger chains are carrying organic selections. Clearly people are becoming more knowledgeable about their grocery selections.

mental and emotional health as part of recovery...
Transforming our negative belief systems into positive ones can go along way in promoting recovery from seemingly insurmountable addictions. This includes overcoming insecurities, fear of rejection, anger, rage, bitterness, guilt, shame, and a root of unforgiveness.

Even if we have been treated unfairly, overcoming these feelings will release a process of healing and restoration that will actually help us reduce our risk of relapse into addictive behaviors. These issues are like layers that need to be brought to the surface and resolved, for life to be lived to the fullest. And it is the only pathway out of addiction for good. We cannot live life to the fullest harboring these feelings.

Spiritually...
And a deepening sense of spirituality is vital towards recovery. A belief that there is a Power greater than ourselves who we can depend on when things get rough. It’s really the only type of dependency that frees us up to live life to the fullest. And it takes openness, time and commitment to deepen our spiritual connection and beliefs.

Addiction recovery is achieveable

Addiction is a complex, and gripping state of imbalance that overtakes a person’s body, mind and spirit. Clearly recovery is a complex and lifelong process, but so worthwhile. And it is achievable.

The more we understand the complex physiological processes taking place that reinforce addiction, the more we can invest in better self care, and heal. Our lives depend on it.

Some more stats

Early binge eating field trials suggest that as many as 30% of people who participate in weight control programs actually have binge eating disorder (BED). This same study suggests that binge eating disorder affects 3% of female college students and 5% of obese people in the general community (*Spitzer et al.1992.1993).

Other studies suggest that binge eating disorder is associated with a much broader demographic distribution than is the case with Bulimia Nervosa, in terms of gender, race and age.

Treatment Goals of addiction recovery:

Primary goals of treatment are to:

- Reconnect with the body and with feelings
- Identify cognitive distortions
- Recognize perfectionism and "all or nothing" thinking
- Identify physical vs. emotional hunger
- Increase capacity to tolerate feeling states
- Learn how to communicate needs and set boundaries
- Improve body image
- Learn self-care
- Recognize recovery as a "process" filled with ups and downs

As treatment continues, clients at Acoria are encouraged to use other services, such as psycho-educational programming, support groups, consultations with a dietitian, a physical conditioning specialist and/or a psychiatrist, and telephone coaching services. A dietitian works with the client to help normalize eating behaviors and patterns, while a physical conditioning specialist works with the client on exercise resistance and body movement issues.

Am i getting better now?

Change starts to occur when clients begin to understand that their original maladaptive coping strategy of using food is no longer working.

Once clients understand the process, they may choose to manage mood differently, through the learning and application of healthier coping strategies. The clients who do well are those who come to see change as a choice, a choice for which only they can take responsibility.

taken from this clinics webiste http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/disorders/BingeInterview.html The Acoria Eating Disorders Treatment Center is located in Cincinnati, OH.

More:

The Causes of Food Addiction

All of these people exhibit one or more of the three major reasons that drive or fuel food addiction. The first reason people struggle with food addiction is because they are afraid of their feelings and they use food to cope with negative emotions. The second reason people are addicted to food is because they feel the need to reward themselves with food when they are frustrated or unfulfilled. The last reason is that people use food to assert their independence, to feel safe or to fill an emotional emptiness.

Food Addiction and Emotional Eating

All three of these are psychological motives and reflect deep primal needs that can drive us to drugs, alcohol or food. We end up addicted to food to satisfy these deep psychological needs rather than biological needs (real hunger). That is what I call Emotional Eating.

And if you are addicted to food, you engage in Emotional Eating.
And like most addictions, it is virtually impossible to beat the emotional forces behind the addiction on your own. Understanding these emotions and their interaction is the essence of the solution of breaking free from your addiction to food once and for all. Don't worry if you are not totally sure about this. I am.

The Three Causes of Binges...

Francine and Roxy both exhibited the first of the three major reasons you binge:
You binge to cope with your feelings.
You binge to create the illusion of feeling good.
You binge to assert your "independence" or to "be safe".

All three of these are psychological motives for binging. You binge to satisfy psychological needs rather than biological needs(real hunger).

This was taken from a pay site http://www.masteringfood.com/welcome.asp?bhcp=1
Book I might get - Passages Through Recovery: An Action Plan for Preventing Relapse. Terence T. Gorski

Comments

More research about food addiction and recovery

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 22:55:35 +0200

Research on rats reveals connection between binge eating, food addiction

By Chika Anekwe
Princetonian Staff Writer

The researcher

The side wall of psychology professor Bart Hoebel's office is lined with dozens of storage boxes. One is labeled "salt," another "self-stimulation," yet another "crave." Then there is the cluster of boxes resting prominently on top of a file cabinet, each labeled, "Food Addiction."

Food addiction — or more technically, "the neural basis of appetite" — has been the focus of Hoebel's research for the past 47 years. Initially looking to study brain mechanisms that control eating and are also involved in drug addiction, Hoebel's research led him to study whether food can be addictive.

What they did

Hoebel and his students placed rats on different feeding cycles, then observed their behavior in response to those cycles and subsequent changes in the brain.

"We had to create an animal model with an eating disorder that might reflect food addiction," he said.

What they found out

His research has shown that a prolonged cycle of binge feeding on sugar induces dependency in rats by causing them to become dependent on their own natural brain opiates. The experiment involved placing rats on a cycle of no food for 12 hours, followed by 12 hours of regular food plus a sugar solution. Hence, the rats were binge feeding on sugar for alternating 12-hour spans. As time progressed, the rats consumed an increasing amount of the sugar solution.

After about three weeks, the rats experienced an increase in brain receptors for opiates and dopamine. Opiates are chemical messengers that identify sweet tastes as desirable, while dopamine is a chemical messenger that works with memory to urge people to pursue sweet tastes in the future.

When an injection of an opiate-blocker was administered, the rats experienced withdrawal symptoms, including teeth chattering, body quivering and anxiety. The rats were essentially "getting addicted to their brains' own morphines," Hoebel said.

Another component of the study examined lasting changes in the behavior of sugar-addicted rats after ten days on a normal diet. Sugar whet the rats' appetite for chow more than usual, and the animals were hyperactive to amphetamine, a chemical that releases dopamine.

What they concluded

These conclusions taken together show that sugar binging can cause "lasting changes in the brain, in that sensitization remains after a period of normal feeding," Hoebel said.

Yet, as Hoebel emphasizes, "It's not just the sugar, but how and when you eat it." In rats, binge eating promotes addiction, "just like binge drinking alcohol promotes alcohol addiction."

What is said about addictions

Addiction involves three stages: increased intake of a substance, followed by withdrawal symptoms upon deprivation and signs of craving and relapse.

Why research?

Hoebel's research could reveal the reasons behind food addiction in humans and could lead to more effective treatment for people with eating disorders.

The researchers advice about not having a food addiction

In the meantime, Hoebel's advice: "If addiction runs in your family, then repeated fasting and binging on sugar or alcohol may lead to an addiction that disrupts your life. You can choose your pattern of intake now when you are young. Otherwise you may not be able to reverse the brain changes later."

And a little more of a snippet…Right now over 50% of women in Britain are on a diet. Research shows that 96% don't work.
Taken from http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/onelife/health/addiction/excessive.shtml

Further research by someone else...

The researcher and what he thinks

Mark Griffiths, a professor of gambling studies at Nottingham Trent University, who has researched addictive behaviour for 16 years, believes any activity can produce chemicals in the brain that give the same high as cocaine. 'We are living in the most addictive society the world has yet seen,' he said. 'Society has changed dramatically in the last few years; we're living longer than ever before, we have more spare time, more disposable income and there are more socially excessive behaviours in which we can indulge.

Some statistics

According to the Government, at least one in 25 British people is dependent on alcohol, twice as many as are dependent on drugs, while almost one in four of us boasts an addiction to shopping, a rise of more than 6 per cent in just five years.

More than 370,000 Britons are addicted to gambling, while 6 per cent of 17,251 respondents in a recent online survey met the criteria for compulsive internet use, with over 30 per cent using the net to escape negative feelings.

So are habits addictions?

Hodson is critical of the therapy industry for its open-door policy. 'It's the definition of addiction that is on the increase, not the numbers of those genuinely addicted to anything,' he said. 'It is very distressing to be a compulsive gambler, but addiction is not the right word to describe what is, in fact, a conditioned or compulsive behaviour.'

Hodson also points to the tendency of psychiatrists to classify patterns of behaviour or compulsion.

'The word addiction contains a meaning which takes away the sufferer's freedom of action,' he added. 'It is a destructive word if misapplied. If you are told that you're someone who chooses to do things that are destructive, you have more hope of recovery than if you're told you have no choice.'

'It is a doctor's job sometimes to make moral judgements. I don't care what gets called addiction, as long as we recognise that compared to a drug, alcohol or food addiction, any other compulsion is trivial.'

Comments

Blogging as good therapy? It seems so....

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 21:58:31 +0200

Study findings

A new study finds that blogs are more likely to deal with personal matters than politics or current events, and nearly 50% of bloggers see the activity as a form of therapy.

According to an AOL survey conducted by Digital Marketing Services Inc., many bloggers write about "anything and everything." But while blogs often include comments on news topics, they are more likely to be about friends, family and other personal interests.

Although bloggers say they write about personal matters on their blogs, 43.9% of respondents said that they read other blogs to get a different perspective on the news. These findings are similar to a Harris Interactive survey from March 2005, which found that about 44% of US Internet users read political blogs, including 16% who read them less than once a month. And although most bloggers read other blogs, the AOL survey found that almost one-quarter of them do not.

About one-half of bloggers (48.7%) keep a blog because it serves as a form of therapy, and 40.8% say it helps them keep in touch with family and friends. Just 16.2% say they are interested in journalism, and 7.5% want to expose political information. Few see blogging as their ticket to fame.

Blogging making History

Bill Schreiner, Vice President, AOL Community, puts it in perspective: "In a way, blogs serve as oral history. When it comes to sharing blogs and reading other people's blogs, we like to connect with people, learn about their lives, and find common ground. There's no pressure to write about a particular subject or keep blogs maintained a certain way, and it's not necessarily a popularity contest."

Comments

Solution to food addiction / emotional overeating

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 20:48:09 +0200

Last few posts have been about food addiction, or emotional overeating.
in response to that, here's something.

Emotional Eaters use food to manage feelings.

We use food to self-soothe. People who have struggled with it,
and the professionals who treat it, call it by many different names; compulsive overeating, emotional eating, and food addiction. No matter what it’s called, people USE food
because food works

Food works as a tension reliever

Food and food thoughts can be used in reaction to and as a defense against any intense feeling or stressful life situation. The use of food to manage mood becomes a self-reinforcing habit.
(Today, scientists are also focused on the biology & brain chemistry
of overeating. There may also be many physiological reason why we
keep turning to food even when it feels self-defeating to do so?)

Emotional Eating happens on a continuum.

Emotional eating is normal. We all celebrate with food. When something sad occurs, friends and neighbors arrive with cakes and casseroles. It’s only when emotional eating begins to have impact on one’s emotional and/or physical well-being, and it’s used as a person’s primary strategy for mood regulation, that it becomes a problem. When eating becomes a primary coping strategy, it greatly impacts a person’s quality of life.
At the most extreme point on the emotional eating continuum, there may be a diagnosable eating disorder present –such as bulimia or binge eating disorder-and often, clinical depression as well.

[DETERS COMMENT: Instead of feeling anger coupled with frustration and helplesness (only in that combination), I eat. I used to be unable to deal with feeling angry and frustrated and helpless (i.e. I am unable to change the cause of it). I’m getting much much better now, after tons of therapy.]

The consequences

The emotional overeater then deals with the guilt and shame he/she feels every time he or she eats chips (or any other food that he or she has labeled “forbidden” – instead of dealing with the un-dealt-with feeling.
Convenient?
Perhaps at the time, but then it sure is seen on the hips.
And around the heart, and in the muscles, and in the blood, and …..

So, what can you do if Emotional Eating is a problem?

Two things:
Make a conscious effort to become more aware of how and why you may be using food.
Develop new skills for mood regulation.

Comments

Funny designer fat

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 13:07:15 +0200

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I said" Thyroid problem?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Comments

Expert opinion of food addiction

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 12:29:44 +0200

What the Experts say...

Many overweight people are fighting an addiction to food and don't realize it.

Here's more on the signs and symptoms of food addiction and who might have it.

Example of a food addict:

When Cindy Hines eats, it's not always because she's hungry. She says, "I'll go open up my refrigerator hoping the food fairy has come and added whatever food will make me whole."

And experts say that's how addiction differs from just eating too much.

Its more than overeating then?

Food addiction is an effort to fill an emotional need. Food addiction expert Anne Katherine says, "It's not due to a lack of sociability on their part. It's due to an actual brain chemical in a part of the brain that causes them to value food over contact with people."

Secretive habits...

Experts say that can include hiding food, eating large portions, or going to events for the food and not the people. Katherine says, "When they take sugar or carbs they have an elevated serotonin response inside their bodies and that gives them a feeling of relief and comfort."

Essential remedy

To stay in control patients must avoid trigger foods. For Cindy that means steering clear of refined sugar. "How many times have I been with a friend who said 'oh just one piece of pie won't hurt!' What they don't realize is it's my cocaine. It's my drug," explains Cindy.

Don't expect to conquer it alone...

That's why experts say group support is so essential because it's about reprogramming the brain to find comfort in people not food. And that takes friends who will help you succeed.

Deter's comment:
LigherLife is a group thing, and so is some of the cambridge diet thing too, depending on which counsellor you have. Personally i found the group invaluable at first. Now i think that i could go it alone, and i am on week 7.
I can find out myself how to stop it.
Although i am hoping that the remaining 7 weeks of LL group will enlighten me further.

It does help having people in the group to touch base with every week - it gives me a feeling of not being alone in this world on an already lonely journey.

I shall miss the group when i leave and do cambridge diet instead (its cheaper and tastes better!)

Comments

Food addiction and the brain --- research report

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 11:48:09 +0200

Research on food addiction:

Obesity researchers have found that the mere presence of food triggers brain regions associated with motivation and pleasure. This ScienCentral report has the skinny on what might be making us fat.

The Urge to Splurge

obesity has increased by epidemic proportions since the 1980s. How did we get to this point?

Studying the brain mechanism involved in feeding behaviors, obesity researcher Gene-Jack Wang has found that food stimuli— sights, smells and sounds— trigger the brain regions that are also associated with addictive responses to cocaine and other drugs. "The high sensitivity of this brain region to food stimuli, coupled with the huge number and variety of these stimuli in the environment, likely contributes to the epidemic of obesity in this country," says Wang.

Brain Scanning

Wang used a brain-scanning technique called Position Emission Tomography (PET) to see what happened inside the brains of 12 hungry subjects of normal weight when they saw, smelled and tasted— but didn't eat— food. The volunteers fasted for at least 17 hours before the test, and then they relaxed on the scanning bed while the smell of their favorite foods wafted in their direction. The PET machine captured snapshots of brain metabolism, or activity, in response to these food stimuli. The subjects also described their hunger sensation, on a scale of 1 to 10, at five-minute intervals for a total of 45 minutes.

As Wang reported in the April 2004 issue of NeuroImage, analysis of the brain scans and the hunger pang ratings showed that the mere presence of food stimulated certain areas of the brain that are involved in reward and motivation. In particular, the scans revealed activity in the parietal cortex, an area associated with taste perception, and the anterior insula, which previous research has connected to fasting conditions.

Most significant, however, is the activity in the Right Orbital cortex. Previous studies have linked this brain region to compulsive behaviors and intense cravings in drug addicts.

Blame it on the Brain?

Who hasn't succumbed to the aroma of a bakery and been enticed to buy a brownie or two? "You walk into a bakery and say, oh, it smells so good," says Wang. "You don't want to eat just one piece. You say, maybe two pieces, three pieces. And then some people eat the food as soon as they purchase it."

This sort of compulsive action feeds into fattening habits. "So we eat more and exercise less," according to obesity researcher Marie-Pierre St-Onge of St. Luke’s Hospital’s Obesity Research Centre. "And so these two, either in combination or one without the other, would lead to an increase in weight." St-Onge also says that people should limit how often they treat themselves to desserts or dinners at restaurants and balance energy intake with calories burned.

The cure

So how do we temper temptation? As Wang points says it is difficult because we face "constant exposure to food stimuli, such as advertising, candy machines, food channels and food displays in stores." In the end, curbing consumption likely comes down to mind over matter.

Deters comment:
"Great advice, Wang, Thanks for nothing!!!!

Comments

FOOD ADDICTION

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 00:56:07 +0200

What is Food Addiction?

Food addiction is a disorder characterized by preoccupation with food, the availability of food and the anticipation of pleasure from the ingestion of food.

Food addiction involves the repetitive consumption of food against the individuals better judgment resulting in loss of control and preoccupation or the restriction of food and preoccupation with body weight and image.

There are three types of food addiction:
1.    people with anorexia nervosa
2.    people with Bulimia
3.    people who compulsively overeat

Compulsive Overeaters use food inappropriately and eventually become addicted to it and lose control over the amount of food they eat.
Overeaters demonstrate uncontrollable binge eating without extreme weight control and see that behavior as normal. Overeaters present with moderate to severe obesity, with an average binge eater being 60% overweight.
Bingeing episodes consist of carbohydrates and junk food with most binges done in scheduled secrecy

QUIZ - Are you a food addict?
To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't?
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly?
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success?
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people?
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight?
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)?
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long?
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings?
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry?
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later?
12 Do you eat in secret?
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food?
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be a food addict.

taken from http://www.foodaddicts.org/preview.html

Comments

45 / 183. Makin' muffins and lovin' 'em!

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 22:28:11 +0200

Day 45 of 183. 138 days to go.

Saturday.

Tonight i made a chocolate muffin out of my LL pack. It was very odd. Gorgeous though

It was cake-like around the edge and sort of hot blamanche in the centre.

If you're where i am (week seven) of no food whatsoever except the odd chocolate mousse made with Cambridge Diet mix-a-mousse, you LOVE these. I thoroughly recommend them.

Here's how you do it.

To make a chocolate Muffin

Put a little BOILING WATER into a ramekin dish, or whatever you have – thick mug or similar (about 2 desert spoons to begin with – you can add more water later if necessary)

Add the choc pack (or whatever flavour you desire) and mix it to a THICK PASTE so thick you think it’s too thick!

Put into the microwave on high for just over a minute – if it looks a bit soggy in the middle put it back for 10 seconds or so …….

Comments

The past is the past is the past...

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 14:37:40 +0200

"The good thing about the past is that it is over."

Richard Bandler,
Co-founder of Neuro-Linguistic Programming

Comments

44 / 183.

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 21:56:44 +0200

Day 44 of 183. 139 Days to go.

Friday.

On tuesday evening, after the weigh in this week (see post previous to this one) I ate two of the LL bars, one after the other, thinking, "it'll be alright, you can make it up later by having a day without one".

Then wednesday I had a bar for breakfast and half way through the day i had another one. Then at tea time i had yet another one!
I tried to stop myself, but in response to my internal, "No, dont" I heard myself think, "Oh Sod it! Just have it, Just have it" in a very firm and quite aggressive tone.

Then on thursday i did same.

Bearing in mind that there are only seven bars per week, and I only go to the LL meetings on a tuesday evening, by thursday afternoon i had eaten all of the bars!

Of course this means that for evey day thereafter this week i cannot have a bar. I will be hainv four liquid packs per day, instead of 3 liquid and one solid.

I'm bored.
I want to eat.

I'm not going to, however.
I havent come all of this way to stop now.

On tuesday, at day 50, i shall be half way through the first LL stage of 100 days.
So far i have lost one stone 9, i think.
I have to lose the three stones in 100 days. So, with eight more weeks to go now (including this one) i need to lose 1 stone and 5 lbs. Thats about an average of 2.3lbs per week.

I hope that i do make it. I shall weigh 11 stones and 9lbs by then, and i should be into a size 14 clothes. That will be really nice.

I'm going to keep going.

I havent exercised like i said i would.
Its too hot.

When it cools down i will exercise.

I get soooooooo tired so easily.
I will have to do what i can manage though, won't i?

I suppose this is a crisis time.
Oh well, i shall survive.

Comments

41 / 183. Week 6 weigh in.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 23:30:56 +0200

Day 41 of 183. 142 days to go.
6 Weeks done. 8 weeks of the initial LL phase to go.
Tuesday.

Day 41 - My age.
you'd think it was lucky, wouldn't you?

It was weigh - in day today.
I lost point six of a kilo.
Thats one pound.

How can i be on 420 calories per day, without cheating at all, be in ketosis and only lose one pound in a week?

I know that i am not very active.
The LL counsellor said that even at a resting rate we use up 1400 calories per day just to continue to live.
So thats a deficit of 1000 calories per day, even if i am operating at the barest minimum or energy burn.

It takes a deficit of 3500 calories to lose one pound.

Well, a deficit of 1000 calories per day, over 7 days is 7,000 calories.
So even if i were only existing and breathing and yet not moving at all, i should lose 2 pounds per week.

Yes, I feel disapointed.
One woman who started at the beginning, the same week as me, has lost two and a half stones so far - thats 35 pounds in 6 weeks.
Not counting her first two weeks of a combined 18 pounds, that is still 17 pounds lost in the other four weeks. An average of 4.21 pounds per week.

I have lost a total of one stone and 9 pounds now in six weeks (23 pounds). So not counting the first two weeks of large weight loss, which were 9 pounds and five pounds (14 pounds altogether), it means that i have lost the remaining nine pounds over the last four weeks. That is about an average of 2.25 pounds per week.

So the other woman is losing weight at precisiely twice the speed that i am losing weight for doing EXACTLY the same diet, containing EXACTLY the same amount and variety of ingredients.

That means that on top of her resting rate, at 4 pounds loss per week, she must be burning over 14,000 calories per week, thats an average of an extra 2,000 calories per day - which is one thousand calories more per day that i burn up.

However disheartened i might be, i do hope that i might just be 'sticking' for a reason that i don't yet know.
I am not going to give up.
The diet is simple and its actually not that difficult - its just boring.

I'm also going to drink more water.

my weight is exactly 83 kilograms. Using the weight converter here
http://www.weightlossresources.co.uk/body_weight/weight_converter.htm
I weigh 13 stones and one pound.

End of week 6 and weight loss = 1 pound.

Lets get on with next week, now.

"To will is to select a goal, determine a course of action that will bring one to that goal, and then hold to that action till the goal is reached. The key is action."

Michael Hanson

And how about this one for a long quote:

"The attitude of unhappiness is not only painful, it is mean and
ugly. What can be more base and unworthy than the pining, pulling,
mumping mood, no matter by what outward ills it may have been
engendered? What is more injurious to others? What less helpful as
a way out of difficulty? It but fastens and perpetuates the trouble
which occasioned it, and increases the total evil of the situation.
At all costs, then, we ought to reduce the sway of that mood, we
ought to scout it in ourselves and others, and never show it
tolerance."

-William James, 19th century American psychiatrist and philosopher

Comments

40 / 183. Money, magic and magazines.

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 20:13:14 +0200

Day 40 of 183. 143 days to go.
Monday.

I was out enjoying myself, spending a bit of money, when i came home to find out that i have lost two contracts!!!GULP

Fortunately i only bought a cushion and a new bath mat, and some sparkling water and loo rolls. I also bought three very indulgent items.
Magazines.
WHen i had money before i used to buy glossies.
I havent bought any, except for when ive gone on holiday, for about 5 years. They are soooooo expensive! There was barely any change from a tenner! Incredible. I won't be doing that often, but i did like doing it today

I have been really enjoying myself swanning around spending money lately. Its a pity that all that pleasure has now gone.

On saturday, for instance, i bought the most beautiful decorative large bowl, to put into my new-look lounge. It was from the auction house and cost a massive £25. I felt as though i'd been shopping like the old days, when i might buy 3 sets of egyption cotton bedding for about £600, as a very occasional treat). But, back to the huge indulgence of spending £25 on an un-functional item such as a decorative bowl. When i went to pay, it ended up costing twenty nine pounds and some pence, because of various charges added (which, call me naive, i did not know about).

Oh what pleasure!
I was only saying to someone that i am enjoying having more money these days now that i have passed my exams and attained my MSc. I dont have to pay for any training costs anymore. Its fantastic! And, i have now finished paying for my car. Added to that, i got a great secure contract once per week which keeps me half-afloat on its own. That reliable income has been recieved with thanks, i can tell you.

Still.
"Do not Doom, Deter".
All could work itself out by next month and i may be back on track with my new found freedom due to monthly average earnings that have been good lately.
Theres time for things to change, yet.

Tomorrow i have a very long day.
I am training somebody.
I need to leave here at 7-30 am and then have to dash straight to the LL group to be weighed and therapeeeed, and i will not return home until 8-30pm.
That's why i'm doing my blog early tonight.
After Big Brother tonight, i'm off to sleep.

My cats are very hot, and so am I. I've been in the garden from 5 till 7-15 tonight sunbathing and reading my magazines (i have a rare weekday evening free of work! so i planned it to perfection)

Somebody that i met last April read my tarot cards. For reasons explained a few times, but that i do not comprehend, she is also set on doing me another reading.

I recieved an email last week asking what i wanted my reading to be based around (what question would i like to ask). I duly replied with said question. It was the question that i raised in one of my previous posts here in this dieting blog, where i was weighing up which business opportunity i should follow.

Should i follow the money and slightly lower my professional status amongst colleagues (emphasis on 'slightly'). This will entail a small outlay and will build up relatively quickly (within a year) to become a substantial salary.

Or do i spend very little money, but invest huge amounts of time getting myself known for what i already do - and, in fact, perhaps specialise even further in a few areas. This way my profesional stauts will be enhanced, in the view of others within the industry. It will not reap in the same rewards, financially as the option above.

If both options were carried out succesfully and brought in the rewards as projected, the second option just doesn't have the capacity to generate even half of what the first option is capable of bringing in.

Aaaaaaaanyway.

I asked my mystical person whether i should invest the money and take the first path towards the bigger money.

She said that she did the reading a few days ago when it was a full moon.
She said she would write up the results today and email them.

It is now a quarter past eight in the evening and i have not heard from her yet.
You, my trusty confidente, shall of course be enlightened also with the jist of the message, once i have recieved it!

Comments

39 / 183.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 23:21:48 +0200

Day 39 of 183. 144 days to go.

I've gone pro.
Yup - i have another blog in addition to this one.

Check me out here
http://detersdatingdiaires.blog.co.uk/

But, back to dieting. My dad phoned me yesterday. He lives in Asia and has invited me out for a couple of weeks in february. He said we'd all go on holiday to a Thai beach resort somewhere that he knows. I heard the name of it, but i cannot remember it. I trust him that it will be somewhere nice, anyway.

He wont pay for my flights or anything - he's not like that. He's always been a man of the 'make-em-stand-on-their-own-two-feet' brigade.

Even so, I shall definatley do this. I love winter holidays in warm places. The last time that i went away on holiday was two decembers ago, now. Last winter i didn't go because i was studying hard for my exam on April 6th.

I don't like going in the summer, particularly. When its hot here, i can't see the point. Its lovely in the garden at the moment for the odd hour here and there. In fact, today i was out from 5pm when my handyman left to go home, up to 7-45pm. It was still absolutely boiling hot out there. My garden does get the sun all day long. It is lovely.

My heart is actually singing as i think about being on a beach in february. By then, i should be significantly thinner - and if my bod stays ok, i can wear a bikini. It'll be just like the old days.

I'm looking forward to getting all of my old summer clothes out. Hey - if they don't fit - so what!
It will be great to buy a few new things. A person really doesn't need to take a lot of clothing to a Thai beach anyway. Unless you stay in one of those 5* boutique hotels, like those in 'Le Meridien' group, for instance, or some othrs such thing.

Most Thai places are actually quite raw, really. Beautiful, but raw. I like to relax like that anyway on a beach holiday. The occasional boutique hotel is lovely, but in tropical climes i find them to be too much - rigid and pernicky. Great in Paris, not so great in Phuket.

Today i seem to be back on track as far as the LL diet plan is concerned. I was delighted to notice that i had abar to eat in my 'Sunday' envelope. I've had to go without for two days because i ate two when i came home on tuesday night after the group.

I don't know why and i haven't analysed it.

I might have even ate three. I can't remember. I was hungry. I'd not had anything all day- very foolish i know - then i came home from the LL group and tucked into a bar. It wasn't enough.

Instead of thinking, "Hmmm, whats this about? What do you really want?" i acted on the urge to greedily replace the contents of my hands with another bar, saying to myself internally, "It wont matter - you will have to go a day without a bar thats all".

When i tried to protest, I was met with a, "You will just HAVE to go without on a different day - now go and get the bar!!!".

I didn't argue further.
I ran downstairs and grabbed another bar and ate it.

I'm annoyed. Yeah, annoyed and puzzled, and worried.
What if i'd been eating food, and it wasn't enough, so i just went down and grabbed some more food and ate it?
I can't do that. I WON'T do it!
You see - having the two or three bars like that is the same as having two or three meals - one after the other.
Thats what i used to do!
That's why i am now fat.
I'm not eating food again until i've got this sorted out.

That is final!

Comments

37 / 183. Aware of echos.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 23:57:06 +0200

Day 37 of 183. 146 days to go.

I am longing for the Cambridge Diet. I have heard from many people that the Cambridge Diet flavours are really yummy and that they taste so much better than LighterLife ones. The LighterLife ones are all starting to taste a little metallic, a bit bland, unwelcomingly familiar, and weak. The flavours of the LighterLife soups were so strong when i first tasted them, now they seem so bland and weak.

The bars are a bit boring as well. I mean, it is great to have a bar everyday, i look forward to those very much, knowing that i shall be having something to actually chew. But even they are becoming disapointing.

The Cambridge Diet bars are said to be amazing. Very chocolatey, etc. Lighterlife don't do a chocolate bar. Along with the nut bar, which is a good copy of a museli bar, they do a fruit, a toffee and a lemon bar coated in white chocolate effect. They all taste very metallic. And the nut bar is starting to taste fusty.

Since i'm doing 183 days, as you know, I'll definately move over to the Cambridge Diet by the end of this 100 days that i have committed myself with LighterLife. Even though LighterLife do a different phase in the group set-up, i don't think that i can tolerate the flavours for, what will end up being, six months. Three and a half months is bad enough.

I had forgotten how thoroughly exhausting and draining shopping can be. Now that i am refurbishing my lounge room, i am seeking fabric that i would like in the new colour scheme that can be then used to be made into curtains for that room.

Both yesterday and today i have been out shopping for fabric. I have various fabric swatches that i've brought home to set against the existing furniture, etc.

As i was wandering around, yet another fabric warehouse (no interior designer shop for me, it has to be a discount fabric shop to keep costs down from the usual £20 to £30 per metre to more like £8 or £10 per metre. I need 40 metres, so it makes a vast difference) i took a break to have a cup of tea in a cafe. It looked plesant enough, as part of the warehouse, with tables and chairs outside in the sunshine. It was like one of those old fashioned cafe's that i used to see on the roadsides of A-roads, or by market stall places and the like.

A group of mums and kids were a couple of tables over from me. They were eating various meals with great big thick chips that looked light and golden. Crispy on the outside, mashed potato-ey on the inside.

Not wanting to watch them eat those delicious looking chips, I amused myself by reading the menu. I realised that had i not been doing a vlcd, and abstaining from food, that one of two things would have happened ordinarily.

One, either i would have become hungry, and bought a favorate food dish, or even a shopping basket full of them to take home, and then begun eating them as soon as i got back into the house. Or, two, i would have ordered off the menu there and then and eaten there and then outside.

I continued amusing myself further by imagining what i might have ordered. And scanning the list i visualised each dish that appealed to me and imagined how it would taste and smell. And how it would feel inside of my mouth.

To my surprise, the chips didn't seem nice. I thought that they would be hotter than boiling hot and that i would probably burn my mouth on them. And the other things, i just imagined them to be stodgy and fairly bland.

I still did feel attracted to eating, though, and i realised, with a sip of my tea, that the appeal lie in having the bulk of the carbs going into and filling my stomach.

I was horrified to realise that i imagined myself eating a plateful of something, say a vegetarian cooked breakfast, plus a side order of chips and a large bread roll, or something.

And to continue with thinking through what i would do, i realised with even more horror that i would still want...no need .. more. More bread, or cheese, most likely. I wouldn't be able to stand the humiliation of ordering and eating so much in public, so i'd probably leave there and buy more on the way home to eat once i got through my door.

What is wrong with me?
That is gross.
Why do i want to do that?

I never used to be like that. You know, I have always overeaten and then dieted off any surplus weight as it has begun to get a problem. Overeaten, yes, but coninuously placed item, after item, into my body until i can take no more, is just plain crazy!

At LighterLife they use the addiction model to frame what has gone wrong with us. They are saying that we are addicted to using food to produce a state within ourselves. And usually that state is about dealing with feelings. So, eating, binging wovereating, is seen as a way to self-medicate and used for this purpose.

I am concerned about my return to food. Being abstinent is useful for losing weight. But then what? I believe i will still have the problem there. Its still there now, isn't it?

What will i do?

I just want to get rid of the urge to do that.

It is an urge.
Its not craving. Not a food craving. For me its an urge to load my system up with food until i get the full-to-the-brim feeling of being totally stuffed.
Only then do i feel sated.
That is the sensation that i crave.
That is why i feel the urge to buy food and stuff it inside of my body.
I do enjoy the chewing and tasting.

How do drug addicts stop the urge to take their drug of choice?

Like a heroin addict, its one thing to go cold turkey, and yet another thing to life a life free of heroin once functioning again.

How do they find joy, enthusiasm, structure, fulfilment, satisfaction, calm, and sensual pleasure without the heroin that used to do all of that?

Is it a matter of just doing without it and dealing with each urge as it comes along?

Unbelieveably, as i am writing this, i feel a very, very strong hunger pain in my stomach. It is actually painful.

Great!
I have to go to bed like this now.
I'll have a glass of water and read the next chapter of my book and hope for it to go.

Comments

36 / 183. Soaring.

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 21:46:28 +0200

Day 36 of 183. 147 days to go.

“Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it" – Winston Churchill, British prime minister.

I had to think about that one for a bit. When your coasting along with a lucky current of air, the wind is doing all the work. But when you're up against the wind, you have to angle yourself and push back in order to soar. And when you do, you rise higher.

I'm up against the wind.
I think i'm getting the hang of angling myself these days.

i realised that if i maintain the average of 3lbs per week, that in order to get to ten stones it will take me another 15 weeks of no-food dieting. Thats another 105 days. and it will take me up to the end of october / start of november.

i have an important party in the middle of november. One that is an annual event, where roughly the same people went last year. I'd like to look nice for that weekend away and look great at the party. By then, at an average of 3lbs per week, i could be about 9 and a half stones. That is a nice fitting size 12 clothing. - ooh imagine the nice clothes i could be wearing by then. Last year i was photographed there, like everybody else, and then all the photos were shown on the screen in the ballroom when the disc jockey was on!!!!! it was horrendous seeing a twelve foot version of my, very dolled up but also podgy, self. It would be nice to see a normal sized version of myself, looking dressed up.

I can't believe that i have managed over 5 weeks on a diet and not veered off the diet once. Tonight it's really sunken in for the first time. I'm very pleased with my acheivement. I've NEVER before stuck to a diet PERFECTLY without cheating AT ALL. [pat, pat, pat] i deserved those pats on the back.

There are just under nine weeks of the first phase of lighterlife left to do. In one and a half weeks i will be half way through. I think i shall phone big woman soon and let her know how i'm getting on. She did ask me to keep her informed with every 7 lbs lost.

I wonder how much she's lost now. She was on about week 5 or 6 when i started, so she must have been on the diet for 10 or 11 weeks by now. At 6 weeks she had lost 2 stones, so at 10 or 11 she may have lost three and a half or four!!!!!

Must ring her tomorrow.
Will let you know.

Comments

35 / 183. Week 5 weigh-in results

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 00:36:15 +0200

Day 35 of 183. 148 days to go.

Weigh in was last night. I am happy to say that i lost another 3lbs. So that means that I have lost 20lbs in 5 weeks. An average of 4 pounds per week. Thats great!

Here's my weight loss stats, as best as i can do them

week 0....weight- 14st 9lbs.....start weight
week 1....weigth- 14st 1lb......weight loss - 8lbs
week 2....weight- 13st 10lbs....weight loss - 5lbs
week 3....weight- 13st 9lbs.....weight loss - 1lb
week 4....weight- 13st 6lbs.....weight loss - 3lbs
week 5....weight- 13st 3lbs.....weight loss - 3lbs

.

I'm very happy at the rate that it is coming off.
When i went to weight watchers it recently took me 13 weeks to lose 13lbs. (sigh).
I was happy with the loss, obviously, and i felt good doing the diet, but goodness me, it was sooooooo frustrating waiting to actually get anywhere in terms of seeing and feeling the benefits of the results.

That was at the end of last year (2005) and in december i started having the odd thing that wasn't strictly on the program because of social events, etc, and that just tipped the balance and i gained a couple of pounds.

The second succesive week that i did that, i decided to stay away from weight watchers until after the festive season, thinking, "i can't face the pain and disapointment of putting the weight on, never mind the shame and humiliation while i am standing on the scales in the weight watchers class. So, i'll retun after christmas and carry on then."

I thouhgt that because i had been doing the weight watchers program successfully (albeit snails pace results) that i had found something that worked and i could just go back and do it again in the new year. No problem.

The was a problem though, and that problem was that by the time i went back in january i had regained all but 1lb of what i lost My own fault, yes i know.

So, i'm glad i'm losing at this rate, in fact i am delighted.
I also feel a little less concerned about so much loose skin by going at a slower pace.

Even though i'm very weak and easily get dizzy and tired out, i have decided to start exercising now that i'm not so heavy. I have an early start and late finish tomorrow, and then friday, staurday and sunday the handyman returns to continue with the decor.

i can do some while he is here.
Yes, i can.
i can use a room away from where he's working.
i might even explain that i'm now going to be exercising and i dont want to be disturbed. He wont come into the room, then.

Yes, i will do that.

On friday morning, then, i exercise.

Comments

33 / 183. This is a dark post.

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 01:27:07 +0200

Day 33 of 183. 150 days to go.
week five of the first phase (14 weeks) of LL, but week five of the 27 i have set myself in total. So 22 weeks to go.

Tonight i tried on some items that are laying in the corner of my dressing room. These are the things that i have bought, on a whim, without trying them on, and they have never fitted me. I didn't return them because i was only a couple of pounds away from fitting into them, and i thought that the current round of dieting would bring this about. Obviously it didn't (or i would have worn them, no?).

So, they range from size 18's down to size 14's. This pile is not the only 'stash' that i have. There is also another double wardrobe full. On the hanging rails of the wardrobe are size 14's, about half of which ...no, probably about a quarter of which, i have worn, even if only once (before i got to big to fit into them. Then on the floor of that wardrobe, is another huge pile of size 16's and some 14's, that i have, yet again, never worn.

I have to mention, that these are not expensive clothes. They were bargain things that were already in very cheap shops. And when they were full price, they were probably only a few pounds (less than £10 for tops and less than £15 or £20 for trousers and skirts).

The size 14's on the rail, however, are of a slightly better quality. That's because when i bought those, i was actually a size 14, or just on the verge of coming out of a size 14. And, because i had not long before then been a size 12 (it all happened quick you see) i was still mentally shopping in nice shops. Well, not designer, or anything, but probably the mid-range high street. For example, Warehouse, Kit (catalogue), Wallis, Principles, etc.

When i was a size 10 i would buy better clothes, even than that, e.g. Karen Millen and Kalico, Planet and East, etc, and various fashion houses in House of Fraser, John Lewis, etc. For example, bits and pieces that designers would design especially for their store, etc.

When i was a size 8, i realise now, in fact, just now, as i write this to you, reader, that i bought better clothes, still. I went to Hobbs, Flannels, Ted Baker, Nicole Farhi, Escada, etc, etc. I even have a gorgeous Gucci skirt suit in white - wow, its to die for. And, yes i have worn it quite a few times!

So, i spend more on clothing the smaller in size i am, do i? Hmmm. Is that because i believe that i deserve it more when i'm thinner? Is it that i believe that this is the real me, and those other 'fatter me's' are not really real, they are merely temporary?

These days, as mentioned before, I shop at Asda, Select, & Bon Marche, for clothes, when i do bother to get anything - usually because i have to go to a conference, or a social event, or some such thing - or because my usual 'uniform' - i.e. the things that currently fit me and are the most flattering - have worn out, torn, become faded, snagged or whatever.

So, in the 6 double wardrobes that are housed in my dressing room, clothes sit and sit. One wardrobe i have described already. Another wardrobe is for coats and jackets. In there are also some size 14's. These are very good quality size 14's, that i have never worn, but they were bought in car boot sales, or from ebay. They are mostly designer labels or good quality fabrics, etc.

In the other wardrobes sit my size 10 and size 8 clothes. They've been there for six years untouched. There are no size 12's.

Additionally, i have a stand-alone-rail of garments in the spare room in the attic, and these are size 16's. They are mostly cheap clothes from the cheap shops aforementioned. I was actually a size 16 for quite some time, probably for the last 3 years, on and off (ocillating between a 16 and 18).

These clothes are very familiar. I wear them a lot when i am a size 16.

You may, or may not, have noticed that there are no size 12 clothes. This is probably because at size 12 i was heavily into the beginnings of the denial. I recall, now, that i went away for about 5 days, five years ago. During that time there was a black tie ball, and a couple of parties.

Because, by then, i had been putting on weight for about one year, i could not wear any of the clothes that i had in my wardrobes. The clothes were all size 8 and 10. I had been weighing between 7 stone 10 to about eight stone 12 in my life. Just before that going-away-event, i had been at my lowest ever weight, of 7 stone 10.

Then after that first year of weight gain, as the time came to decide what to pack to take away with me, i weighed about 9 stone 7 or there abouts. So, in the first year, almost two stones was gained. Hurriedly, i dashed out to the shops and bought clothes to fit. I bought size 12 jeans, tops and, of course, a ball gown.

When i entered the shop, i saw the ball gown that i had bought some two years previously, was still for sale, but in slightly different colours and styles.

I asked the assistant to select that same dress, the size 12. And as I did so, i said, "I already have this in the smaller size, but i've gained weight now and so i know this will suit me". I laughed as i said it.

The assistant looked astonished, but tried extremely hard not to show any reaction at all. I have no idea what she was thinking. Her face hardly moved. I must have picked up on the micro-movements (that they refer to on Big Brothers Big Brain) as well as the awful feeling of shame that i felt during the stony silence that hung where a response was expected.

The dress looked fine, i looked fine. Everything i wore during the whole five days was fine. I can dress very carefully to flatter and disguise any flaw. I was comfortable with my self during the time there and i behaved as normal. I was sociable and involved in others, rather than being preoccupied with myself (self-conscious).

At that time i knew that i would 'get by' this event quite comfortably, and that once home i would 'sort it out' (meaning get rid of the excess weight and get back to 'myself').

So, of course, i did not bother ever buying anymore size 12 clothes. When the time came that i could not even fit into the few size 12's that i had, i stopped going out.

My reasoning was thus, "I'll have to stop, i will have to refuse these invitaions, i just can't go. - When i am back to normal i can resume my social life and everything will be alright".

It never was alright.

I do not know why, but i didn't go on a formal diet plan. Admittedly, i was actually 'not myself' emotionally or psychologically. A lot of things had happened to me over the years preceding all of this, and i think that, now with the benefit of hindsight, it all hit me real hard, once i was back home on my own (my partnership had just ended, we were supposed to marry, but in the end, it didn't happen).

At the time, i had thought that it was normal grief that i was dealing with. You know, the kind that everyone feels when a relationship with somebody that they love, ends. Added to that, the fact that i didn't want the relationship to end at all, and that he was adamant that he did want it to end, and that he gave no explanation, gave a little shock to deal with as well as managing the sorrow of lost hopes and expectations.

But there were other factors too, that i didn't really account for, at that time. I had incurred a massive financial loss, just 6 months after the ending of the relationship, due to bad judgement on my part. And, I was in the process of an expensive re-training for my current career (the one i've just graduated in). Additionally, i now know that i hadn't dealt with some other demons from the past. Wow, i tell you, they sure came up to haunt me then!

I was a wreck, but i didn't know it!
I was doing fine, i thought. Iwas certainly functioning (i.e. doing normal things like getting up, washed, dressed, studying, etc). Yet i can now see that my functioning was only partial. My social life dwindled, as did relationships with my family members. I was spending a lot of time of the internet, on forums and the like, and i was also watching a LOT of TV. I found the TV calming. Obviously i was also doing a lot of eating! I found that calming too, and it helped me to sleep as well as helping me to remain a straight thinking rational person.

Originally i said to myself that i would have 6 months off to recover. After one year i was actually worse. (But i thought that i was doing well). I thought that i had a life. i continued like this.

I continued, actually for the next 2 years, in this way. By then i was weighing in at around 12 stone, i should think.

It was only when my brother announced that he was having a wedding, that i reaslised that i would HAVE TO see people again.

My mother and i went to weightwatchers. She lost weight, i did not. Then, as i was happily struggling along to work out why this wasn't working (and still doing the weight watchers diet, i may add) i got burgled at home. My house was a little shaken and broken, but nothing too drastically.

Although i had felt relief that it could have been much, much worse, i did, at that point, begin to get more hermit-like. Again, i didn't notice the change in my behaviours/attitude. Nobody who knows me noticed. They hadn't been seeing me anyway. They had gone away with their excuses that i had given them, time after time, and finally more-or-less left me to it.

Nobody knew what was happening to me.

Except my therapist.
Oh yes, i was in therapy. Psychotherapy.
I'm not totally stupid!

I knew that there were serious problems afoot that i needed to deal with and resolve and move on and repair myself and my life. I'd been in therapy for about 2 years in total by this time.

i won't go into why i think the therapy didn't work.
I will say that i trusted a therapist when she took me on, that she'd deal with my stuff and help me. For various reasons the therapist let me down. Eventually i left there and receeded further.

On a lighter note, i am now recently having therapy again (about the last 2 years) and it is working this time.

So, we are no going to zoom up to the present day, reader. As i write i do not know whether to leave this written, or to delete this page before i post it into the blog.

It is very revealing.

Its obvious, also, that you will not be laughing your way through this post. You just might find it a litle dark for your liking. I make no apologies. NO excuses. Thats no good. Either i post it for you to see, or i don't. Hmmmm.

Today somebody told me that it is a full moon.
Does that mean anything?

As i think about deleting this post, i know that i don't want to. I'm going to post it.

On a lighter note, then, tonight i had a trying-on session of clothes. I have now a couple of things more that fit me and look nice. I'm delighted. Those things, of course, did not fit when i first started LL. Even last week they did not fit.

I wonder how much weight i have lost, then, this week. Last week was 3lbs. This week i am guessing about another 2.5 or 3lbs. Of course, it could only be a pound - or less even - i know that there sometimes is an incongruity between the loss registered on the scales and that felt through clothing. Tomorrow night is weigh in night. Lets see, then.

I find it terribly exciting. All of this clothes trying on. >" class="middle" border="0"> Its like i have a whole clothing store in my house and i can have it all. Hey, you know, its great motivation to continue going on LL and to continue losing weight. I guess now is the time, for me, that it really starts to get interesting.

And delightful, and lovely, and wonderful and exciting

Comments

32 / 183. Obesity, Parties, and Governments

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 02:14:17 +0200

Day 32 of 183. 151 days to go.
Week 5 coming to an end. Less than 22 weeks to go.

Today my trusty handyman turned up again, and i shot out of the door at about the same time as his arrival. My friend was having a garden party for her daughter, and i had offered to collect two of her family members (who happen to live near me) and bring them along in my car.

This meant that i had to be there at the start of the party (10-30 am). Getting back would be no problem, my friend had assured me, because they would be able to drive them back afterward after everyone had gone home. "Good", i thought, "That means that i can leave after an hour".

Not that i don't like my friends, or even that i have an allergy to childrens parties. Both not so. Its just that the thought of my handyman at home on a daily rate of pay was nagging me. Surely it might be tempting for him to sit and read the papers instead of doing the sanding of the floor?

I'm sure he's stalled for time when i went out once before. I decided at the last minute to ask him to do the garden instead. There are a few paths and a couple of patios that neeed weeding. If he does these he knows that i will know exactly how much he has done whilst i have been away. He agreed to do the garden. I went away happy.

The party turned out to be great. A couple of my dearest friends, whom i hardly ever see these days, were there. As was my friends brother. I've always loved my friends brother. He's a great guy. One of these creative types. Few words said in groups but when he comes over to talk to just one person, the conversation flows profusely. We talked about everything from gun crime to Big brother contestants via foreign trips and the merits of having a TV when one lives alone.

Eventually i retuned home at about 4pm. Handy Andy had kindly almost finished the garden and had done some sanding too. When i walked into the house, however, he was inside there and not in the garden! He wasn't inside the room in which he was sanding, either. He appeared from the room which does lead outside, yet i know that he wasn't outside. I'm happy with what he achieved though. Even if he had an hour or two sunbathing, so what. Its a sunday and he's just on his regular rate.

My bedtime reading has been todays Observer. An article in 'Observer Woman' caught my eye. It is an argument put forward by Rachel Cooke, that our prejudices regarding obese people amount to something akin to racism. Rachel donned a fat suit to gain insight.

You can read that article here...
(you will have to cut and paste the link into your browser - the whole url not just the blue underlined bit).
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/woman/story/0,,1813081,00.html

I particularly liked the mention of the mega-rich and powerful drug companies having influential involvement in the American version of the British National Obesity forum. It reminds me of that similar conclusion that i drew when i read this article...

British National Obesity Forum comment on drug compainies article here... (you will have to cut and paste the link into your browser - the whole url not just the blue underlined bit).
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1676038,00.html

Happy reading.

Comments

31 / 183. Eating, feeling and the brain.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 23:31:58 +0200

Day 31 of 183. 152 days to go.

Its saturday.
This weekend i am bothered by the feelings of angst at being alone all weekend. Today I've been wondering how i usually get through weekends.

Thinking back, now, in order to answer that question, I spent weekends writing my dissertation, and then later, after that was finished, they were spent swotting up for the oral exam interview. That has been going on for at least 18 months. Since April, when i passed the final exam, i think i've spent weekends catching up on doing things like painting, reading for lesiure, relaxing, gardening, etc.

I don't do much socialising. I need to change that. If my life continues in this way, being alone all weekend, then i am in for a very bland life. I shall be miserable. Calm, yes, but ultimately generally miserable.

Now that money is a little more in supply, i do have enough for a basic social life.

I'll need to join something.
Thats what to do, isn't it?
Some kind of club of people with a shared interest, or a social networking organisation of sorts. I saw one advertised in the Sunday Telegraph "The Dinner Club". Singles social events. I could give that a go. It does sound like a nice civilised way to meet both female friends and potential male dates.

Food again!

It will actually be lovely to enjoy nice food, and eat it with interesting people, instead of eating mindlessly alone, in front of the TV.

Hmm, that sounds nice. Apart from being too overweight to feel comfortable meeting potential dates at the moment, thee is also the small matter to consider of the fact that I'm actually not eating any food. And i will not be eating, 'normally' until just before Christmas. Joining at that time of year is probably rather grim. I shall wait until the end of january at least.

My handyman chap has been sanding the floor of the lounge for two weekends now. The floor does look fabulous. Its a victorian house and the floorboards are almost perfect. There are just a couple in one side of the room that have been cut to gain access to the space below the floor. The majority of it is in its original streamlined state.

My graduation ceremony was the usual affair. It was a long hot day. I am so glad that i went, though. It was worth feeling tired yesterday and exhausted today.

My friend and i were talking about eating, framed as an addiction, on the drive home in the car. I mentioned to her that i feel safe and relaxed and a huge sense of relief because i am abstaining from food. However, i know i can't go on this way forever. I don't know what i am going to do when i start eating again. The problem hasn't gone away.

I know this because when we were at the motorway services, i wanted the food on display. Not the hot and cold meals, nor the sandwhiches, but the cookies and cakes!

I despair.

My mouth watered, and my tummy rumbled. And i had a pain in my stomach as i walked to the pay station with my black tea.

My friend said that she watched a documentary and recalled somebody in the medical field saying that he had done tests on the brain and that the findings were that lard and other solid fats like that do create changes in the brain and their conclusion was that those fats, when consumed, act as a relaxant or a sedative or a pain killer.

Thats amazing, isn't it?
If anybody knows of such a report on those kinds of studies, please be kind enough to send me the link, or add a comment below.
I'd like to read about it myself.

It makes sense to me. I know that the reason i started binge eating uncontrollably and with damaging frequency, 6 years ago, was because i needed something that would act as a medication to quell the extreme anxiety that i felt. Food did the job. When eating it did soothe me. Not just by distraction or by the idea of having something nice to eat, but i am sure that it did actually change my physiology.

Why i continued to do the binge eating behaviours during the last 2 years, when things weren't as bad and my anxiety wasn't at the same extreme strenght, isn't easy to say.

Possibly I had now got used to using food as a medication and so continued to use that method because it was cheap, easy and it worked.

I think that there is more to it than that, though.
I think that by the last couple of years i had put on so much weight over the first 4 years, that my body was unrecognisable. I didn't look like me, didn't feel like me, and couldn't dress like me.

I was embarrassed. I couldn't make a social life, so i stayed with food for company and eating evenings as an activity.
What a waste of a life!
Then periodically i would stop doing it and be determined that i'd change things. I'd diet and exercise and get myself back to the old me and everything would be alright.
I tried every approach that i knew. I didn't make it.
It was the same pattern.
I'd get results in the first three weeks, feel pleased and optimistic and motivated. After then the weight loss slowed to about a half a pound a week or a pound off and then the next week half a pound on again.
At that point i lost sight of everything.
It is then i'd get low and hold the low mood for a while. Fairly soon after, days usually, I'd think, "Whats the point" or some such other thought (it wasn't actually articulated, it was more a feeling) and then i'd feel an urge to go and get food. I think that i was angry at that point. And when i felt angry, i felt the urge to binge.
I didn't manage to get the feeling to go away very often, so a binge then did take place.
I'd shop for the food quickly and with no pleasure whatsoever. It was a task that i had to get done.
Then i'd get in the car and start on eating something there and then. I'd continue to eat as i was driving. And finish eating at home.
Sometimes it was all gone, sometime i couldn't eat it all.
When i woke the next day i sometimes might have carried on. Whether i had any food left over or whether i went out to buy more, if the urge was there, i fed it.

On friday i had a conversation with another friend. We were chatting on the telephone about everything and nothing. She said something quite odd, in a mocking and accusing way, about an email that i'd sent her a few days ago.

When i went out later that afternoon, i found myself feeling really angry about what had happened in the conversation about the email.

I wanted to eat.

I knew that i wasn't going to eat. Yet i did notice that i had the urge to eat. If i had acted on that urge and indeed gone and had a food binge, I think that buying the food would have been a way of acting out the anger. Eating the food would have been the soother / relaxant.

I have just realised that since that moment i have felt very tired. I thought that it was because of my trip to the graduation ceremony, but now i think that something else is going on, psychologically.

I've been extremely tired, apathetic, and lethargic - and i think that it is out of proportion to the event (of the graduation day).

I need to confront my friend.
I think thats the solution.
I have to think about how i will do that.

When i do it, i shall come to life again, i'm sure.
Isn't that odd?

Comments

28/183. Progress.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 21:46:29 +0200

Day 28 of 183. 155 days to go

OK, so the progress has been charted!
One and a quarter stones gone in 4 weeks.
Remember Big Woman? She lost 2 stones in six weeks. Well, with 2 weeks to go to get to the six weeks mark it means i'd have to lose 5.5 pounds per week. Thats not going to happen, obviously. But if i can lose another 3lbs for each of those two weeks, i'll be happy. If it takes eight weeks to lose two stones, so what! Is it better for my skin for it to come off slower? I am guessing that it is. Elasticity. I wish i still had the same capacity for that as when i was fifteen!

The first woman that dropped out of our group, in the second week, has joined the Cambridge Diet, on my recommendation. She ceased doing the LL because she couldn't bear the tastes of the packs. On phoning her a week or so ago, it also transpired that lack of funds was also a factor, and so she was definately not coming back to LL.

To compare, LL is £66 per week including 2 hours of group counselling. CD is £35 per week. LL provide three packs per day, plus one bar per day. CD provide three packs per day, and if you want four, you buy the extra 7 packs for the week in addition to the £35. Each CD bar is approx £1.65, i think (but i could be wrong). So at an extra £11.50 that makes CD come out to £46 for the packs and no counselling. Not everyone wants the counselling.

CD does state that their agents are counsellors. What they mean by this is that because they have done the diet themselves they will give 'counselling and advice' style counselling to assist you on your weight loss journey while you are using CD. However, whenthe aforementioned woman went to CD, she told me, she just picked up the packs and left. She was delighted with that. So it could be that more counselling was on offer if she wanted it, but she may not have wanted to take that up. She did tell me, when giving reasons for quitting LL, "the counselling was...mmmm, well......." . She wouldn't finish her sentence, but judging by the noise that she made, it sounded like she wasn't interested. I do know, though, that some CD counsellors around the country do much more that simply give out the packs.

Although i referred the woman to the Cambridge Diet, i won't be making a habit of it. She was a single mum and finances were definately a factor for her. I couldn't stand by and not let her know that i knew of a cheaper alternative that would give the same results. I told her and i am glad that i told her. As far as i know, the other members of our LL group do not know of CD's existence. I won't be telling them.

Tonight i happened to look out of the front window to check the sky as i have an important day tomorrow. I saw a car parked on the double yellows outside the house across the road and wondered what that was all about. Then my neighbour appeared at the door and gleefully took the Dominos pizza bag from the guy walking up his drive. I sighed. They have normal lives. I don't at the moment. I wouldn't normally order a pizza to be delivered anyway, but i have done that in the past, and especially so, when i had a partner and we occasionally fancied a lazy evening in. I was thin then. I'm not now. And now i can't do it, even if i wanted to. I sigh again.

I have made special arrangements with my LL counsellor this week. Instead of the usual seven bars per week and twenty one liquid packs, this week i have had nine bars and nineteen packs. When i asked her for them, i thought that she might talk me out of it, because LL say only have one bar per day (and perhaps they'll only guarantee that you'll lose 3 stones in 14 weeks if you do exactly as they say). But my counsellor did say yes quite easily.

Tomorrow you see, i am going to my own graduation ceremony to collect my MSc. I'm driving to london fairly early in the morning. The i shall be meeting others for a buffet lunch and then have the afternoon in a very long ceremony, followed by a drive back home again. All in all, i'll leave the house at about 9am and return at about 9pm. During that day there will be no way that i want to make up shakes or soups. Especailly since other people with me will be eating food. So tomorrow i shall have three bars instead of any shakes or soups. It will be interesting to see whether and by how much it affects my weight loss.

The friend who is travelling down with me has two children. One is five and has just started school. The other is three and goes to nursery once per week. For years my friend has been rearing the little-ones day and night, with token help from her hubby, after he returns from his nine to five of an evening. It is only now that my friend feels able to occasionally do normal things again. Remeber the day that we went to the Health Farm? That was her first day EVER without them.

She is looking forward to our trip to the graduation ceremony. "It will be like Thelma and Louise, wont it?" she said, chuckling, "Speeding down the motorway, as if i am running away". If the sun is out we shall have the roof off. I love driving without the roof on. Lets hope that it doesn't rain.

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27/183. Week 4 weigh in

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 23:33:35 +0200

day 27 of 183. 156 days to go.

I just lost my post while trying to load it on.
I'm not writing another one now because its late and i'm tired.

I lost 3lbs this week.

i'm pleased.

whatever they've done to the editor is rubbish.
I'm not happy that i lost my post because it took about an hour to type.

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26 / 183. Temptation of the non-food type.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 23:58:34 +0200

day 26 of 183. 157 days to go.

I love the summer.
It's ten past ten in the evening and I'm padding about in just short shorts and a vest top and bare feet. The windows are open and the doors are too. It's lovely and warm. I find that so relaxing.

Today i havent had a soup, yet again. I had my bar mid morning, then my first shake at about 1-30 then tonight i've had a chocolate mousse made from the LL packs while nursing the remaining 3 litres of water that i still have to take.

I couldn't drink it earlier because i had an appointment for my nails at 2pm, and then i had work after that until 8pm.

It was about April time when i decided to start having my nails done regularly. I had them done for the conference in which i sat my exams, and because i got on with them just fine, decided to keep renewing the treatment (the Cal-crystal acrylic stuff over your own nails and coloured like a french manicure).

I decided that i was worth it, since i have no other pampering treats except my hair colour retouch every 7 weeks. They do help me to feel better about myself. Or should i say, they do remind me that i am of worth.

So far i have been able to afford it, financially, ok. It works out at £25 per visit and i go every 18-21 days. The special top coat at £8 per bottle helps disguise the growth. So, its about £10-£12 per week, isn't it? A lot of people spend that on a bottle of wine or two per week, perhaps. I don't drink on this diet, and anyway i don't drink when i'm not on it.

I used to spend money on food treats for my stuffing binges. Spending money on that is ridiculous because it's hurting me. Spending money on my nails is a positive thing to do in comparison, i suppose.

I do wish money wasn't so tight.
I never go out, except to friends and other free or cheap stuff.
i dont smoke, i don't drink, I dont buy clothes. I don't do expensive sports or pay a gym membership fee.
My treats are my nails and my sky TV.

Now that i have passed my exams and will be awarded with an MSc, as well as gaining a special 'industry specific' accreditation (a bit like an accountant becomes chartered) i do have an option for opportunity to enhance my earnings, that has opened up to me.

Funnily enough, at the same time, another opportunity to make money has 'appeared' at the same time.

The first opportunity (the one that i had anticipated happening as soon as i got to this position professionally) has to be generated solely by me. It will take a lot of time out of each week to build up and take a lot of time to begin reaping benefits. Additionally, it is not a guaranteed successful outcome of increased earnings, but rather is likely to increase my earnings slowly over time, and for always. It will enhance my professional status, thereby earning me more respect in my field and a long and satisfying professional life.

The second opportunity, by contrast, will not particularly enhance my professional status, but rather, is likely to ever-so-slightly demote my standing within our field, really. The temptation, however, is that there is potential for much money to be made for relatively litle financial outlay (so minimal financial risk). Moreover, the idea would loosly follow a tried-and-tested business plan. One that is extremely simple and straightforward, and unlikely to fail.

The first opportunity will take a lot of time, a lot of sweat, and a lot of strength (as at first i may have to endure being rebuffed).

The second opportunity will be a few thousand pounds outlay, which can be put on a credit card, or a loan. And will involve minimal setting up time. The results will be within weeks or months and those results have the possibility of increasing rapidy within a couple of years, too.

Do i go for the money, or do i stay with my integrity?

I know one other person who came out of my field when she was roughly just over half way through the 7.5 years of training. And just before you go into the preparation for the preparation of the exam (if that makes sense!) She stopped her training and instead, took the route 2 that i am telling you about, in the second opportunity, written above.

She never got to that point of consolidating and deepening her learnings in our field. She never enriched her mastery of the field. She never prepared for the exam (an 18 month process because of its rules). And this exam preparation that I speak of, and its subsequent passing, is genuinely like a 'coming of age' or an 'initiation', no....more than that, a passage of some kind, i cannot find the correct phrase.

After five years of training there is the year of preparation for exam, and couple of years pre-exam work/study and then the actual exam process of 18 months is the time when trainees are under so much pressure to perform and conform and search for meaning in the discipline that we study, and to produce various projects and so on to demonstrate that you do apply the concepts in the most meaningful and thoughtful, effective and ethical way in ANY situation (and people and their situations are unique!). It is such an opportunity, finally to say, "I made it!" "I know that i'm up there". And afterwards, a lot of fuss is made of the people who pass each year at the conference. Such applause and recogntion and respect from all those seeking to go where you now are, and all of those gone before, and all of those professors and trainers etc, is just amazing. It is marvellous. And i think it is done for a reason, i.e. helping you realise the enormity of what you've done and what you've achieved.

I'm sure that those of you out there who have professions or specialised vocations do know what i'm talking about, as you probably did such a journey yourself.

So, throughout that journey it really starts to come together. It is the most difficult, the most fascnating and ultimately the most rewarding time of the entire study journey. Your understanding, ability, knowledge, expertise, mastery continues to deepen and deepen all of the way through the pre-prep process and the prep process and the exam-process itself. This is not easy - growing pains is an understatement! Then you do go to the final exam and if you pass, wow!

Suddenly the world makes sense.
The field makes sense.
Life makes sense.

When i first met my collegue, the one above, who dropped out to pursue opportunity number two, the first thought that i had was, "You sold out".

Then, after that, i thought, "You didn't make it. You have missed out on so much". "You'll never know some of the things that i know, and that i would not wish to un-know for the world".

When we met, she did say that she would one day go back and complete the process. She might. Even though she's earning about sixty thousand pounds more than me per year, she might?

As you have guessed, it is this 'sold out' colleague that has shown this opportunity number two to me. Before i bumped into her i did not know that opportunity number 2 existed.

Now i do know. Now i have seen it. Now i have seen how much money can be made (even though she does work at least double the hours that i work - i would actually work more hours if i could get the work).

What shall i do with this temptation?
Eat it?
Dance with it?
Blow fire on it?
Rubbish it?
Worship it?

At the moment i am singing it to you.
A very enchanting song.
Can i make it my tune?
Or will i always feel like Donny Osmond did after recording 'Puppy Love' when the family aspirations and abilities were those of 'serious' rock musicians? disapointed, slightly embarrassed in some circles (because of selling out) and ultimately annoyed because the thing shadows your professional reputation forever?

Earlier i heard something funny on TV.
The guy who hosts a program that i do not watch, 'eight out of 10 cats' - i guess he's a comedian - was interviewed.
When asked, "How do you like to relax?"
He replied, "I put empty Smarties tubes on my cats legs to make them walk about like robots"

Heh heh. To think this is funny, i think you have to love cats.

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